A Belly Laugh A Day....Keeps The Nuthouse Away

You just can't fix stupid!!

2012-01-14T14:23:00.002-07:00

Let me just prelude this blog with the following statement...I hate daytime television. Over opinionated women competing for the opportunity to make a point that nobody cares about; interviews with the fabulously famous as they discuss how they just made more money than I will in a lifetime making two hours of sub-par entertainment; daytime dramas where you never see anyone wash a dish, work or change a dirty diaper; and "doctors" who haven't actually practised in years, all trying to tell us how to improve our lives (did you know that eating well and exercise will make you feel better? Thanks for the bulletin geniuses!!) That being said....I found myself laid up on the couch this week feeling severely under the weather and watching these "doctors" that I just spoke about. The show was titled "12 things that could save your life in 2012." They were discussing how to save someone if they electrocuted themselves by sticking a metal object in a plugged in toaster. Really? As I watched what resembled two four year olds re-enacting this tragic and what must be, super common event...two things struck me. First; given the title of the episode, shouldn't they just be telling you NOT to stick a fork in a toaster??? Second; if you are a grown person with an IQ greater than 35, maybe you don't deserve to have your life saved if you are brilliant enough to stick a metal object in a plugged in appliance. I know this sounds harsh....but doesn't saving this person make the years of research, hard work and brilliant insight of Charles Darwin obsolete? We learn, even as toddlers, that metal and electricity do not mix. So as far as I am concerned....electrocuting yourself with a fork in a toaster is simply natural selection at its' best. As much as I despise it, I suppose daytime television can teach you many things. If you're unhappy with your looks, it can show you how plastic surgery can make you beautiful; if you are overweight, it can teach you how to lose those unwanted pounds; and if your unhappy, it can show you how to "live your best life" or at the very least, the advertisements between shows can tell you how to medicate yourself into believing you are happy again (as long as you don't mind anal leakage as a side effect...but that's a whole other rant.) You can not though, under any circumstances....fix stupid! I suppose this is lucky break for daytime tv stars everywhere....or there would be nobody left to believe the crap they are spewing at us on a daily basis!!

Farewell 2011....

2012-01-01T10:19:00.002-07:00

I can't believe another has come to an end. It is a time to look back and reflect on both the good and bad, savour in the memories of the year and inevitably carve another hole in my belt to accommodate a holiday season filled with eating like the end of the year was literally going to be my last day on earth. 2011 was a year of many accomplishments. I completed my first year of my nursing program with honors and in an attempt to maim myself, I also completed my first ten km race. This year also saw the end of diapers in my household. So I would like to say your welcome to environmentalists for single handedly slowing down global warming and thank them for finally leaving my front lawn with their pitchforks and torches. Another big moment for my family this year is that both of my toddlers started school this fall which I thought would finally bring me some much needed free time. Turns out making lunches, snacks and doing homework for four kids instead of just two, is like adding two chainsaws to my already precarious juggling act. I took in many live music shows (much to the delight of my ageing body and eardrums), which is by far one of my favorite past times; spent a tonne of time in the outdoors just hanging out and enjoying my kids; and I spent many a weekend just dancing and laughing....all of which are responsible for keeping me out of the nuthouse this year! I have also had to make some tough decisions in 2011.... choosing to take some time off school, finding full time employment and of course the hardest decision, ending my marriage. The hard times this year have helped me to further appreciate old friendships, given me the opportunity to make new ones and most importantly, it has instilled in me a new sense of resiliency and independence. As bumpy as 2011 has been though, I wouldn't have it any other way. Life is like a roller coaster. What fun would it be without some hills, twists and loops. So here is to 2012. Although it will surely bring wrinkles (from both worry and laughter), the need for an even more supportive bra (I may have to consider fibreglass soon), and more ridiculous shenanigans from my children....it will also bring surprises....and I can't wait to see what they are!! Happy New Year to everyone! From my family to yours...wishing you all the best in 2012.

The Perfect Storm.....

2011-12-04T21:43:00.001-07:00

The last couple of months of my life have been a period of adjustment for everyone in my family. but regardless things have been have been great. Really great actually. Every parent out there knows though, as great as things are, some days are just gonna make you want to punch the universe in the throat. Well it seems that my kids were bound and determined to make sure today was one of those days! It started innocently enough at 6:30 this morning (ugh.. on a weekend yet), when I was pleasantly awoken to the sound of my oldest screaming at his younger brother that he was an asshole. Yep...you read that right. It wasn't quite enough to get me out of bed (I mean it's not like it was the F word)...but after hearing it for about the tenth time I had bring it to a crashing halt. My two youngest, are now awake and rolling out of what is clearly the "wrong side of the bed." They are miserable. Now to be clear, I don't mean a little miserable...or even alot miserable. They are full fledged, me without wine for a month, miserable. Crying with every glance; fighting over every toy; complaining about all the meals; no amount of bribery could help; kind of miserable!!! I am not sure if it was that I been listening to fighting, screaming, and crying for ten hours straight...that I may be a little hormonal...maybe the 162 pieces of Lego that I stepped on...the pile of garbage and toys that just seemed to be multiplying exponentially on my floors...or that pair of shitty pants that I found jammed under the couch. Nonetheless, it was a perfect storm of circumstances. And out she came..."angry mom." To the perfect mothers out there, let me describe to you "angry mom". It is when the vein in your head starts to visibly throb, your face turns the color of beets, and your voice sounds a little like you are harbouring Satan. "Angry mom" rarely makes an appearance. As a matter of fact, the reason that mothers are truly so exhausted at the end of a day, is because of the amount of energy we use to squash "angry mom" on a regular basis. But sometimes, she just claws her way to the surface, like a zombie from a grave...and is as equally disturbing and frightening when she arrives. Now don't panic..."angry mom" never hurts her kids. That being said, I have to say...I will CERTAINLY NOT be submitting today's episode of parenting to the "mother of the year" awards. Even after all of the ugliness of the day though, my kids were still able to come up with great examples when I asked them what the best part of their day was (as I do every night they are here). So I guess that "angry mom" may not have increased their future therapy bills as much we would all expect. "Angry mom" (if seen sparingly) is actually a healthy thing...because if you keep her inside all of the time....she WILL transform and inevitably make an appearance as "hold a post office hostage" mom!

A new beginning.

2011-11-05T21:42:00.000-06:00

In the world of social media, one thing really annoys the shit out of me. Those people who continuously air their dirty laundry for everyone to see. You know the posts I am talking about. "How do I tell my daughter I don't love her mother anymore" or "I've never felt such utter despair." And don't forget my personal favorite..." this has to be the worst yeast infection I have ever had!" Really people??? Is that really necessary? My goal in social media has simply been to make people laugh and hopefully, I have succeeded at that a couple of times. That being said I have struggled greatly with whether or not I should post this next blog. I certainly don't feel the need to advertise to the world all of the dirt that is going on in my life, unless of course it is of my childrens' continuous and sometimes unbelievable shenanigans. At the same time however, I consider blogging a sort of therapy. Not to mention, I love to both be encouraged and to provide that encouragement to others. So here it goes....deep breathe....my life has recently taken a very interesting turn. My husband of ten years and I have decided to separate. This has been by far the most difficult and terrifying thing I have ever done in my life....and I've pushed out four kids with heads that would put Megamind to shame. If it wasn't for the most incredible.....and I mean INCREDIBLE, group of people around me....I am pretty sure that it is quite possible that I might not even be here writing this right now. But I have survived what I believe is the darkest period of this transition and it is time to look forward to the future. I have already found a new full time job (the first real one I have had in 11 years), learned to ignore the critics, gossipers and naysayers, figured out on my own how to fix a broken toilet, and for the first time in a long time.....I am optimistic and hopeful about what lies ahead. I know it will not be an easy battle, but I have certainly never backed away from a challenge and I especially do not like to fail at one. Life is kind of a like a game of poker where I have just kept getting pissed off that I was being dealt a 3-7 every single hand. Now though.....I am not only okay with the hand I have been dealt....but I am pretty damn sure I will flop the straight on the river!!!! Now if I could just find the courage to make it official and change my marital status on facebook. I guess one step at a time.......

Angel for a day

2011-09-29T14:37:00.001-06:00

I apologize for not having wrote anything lately. Although I have chosen to take a year off of my own schooling (yes it is official now), it has a been a hectic month getting the kids settled back into a routine and trying to restore my house (without much luck) from the neglect of a busy summer.
A couple of weeks ago I participated in a photo shoot. There is a photographer whom is extremely talented and loves to take pictures of woman....in their underwear! This is something I have wanted to do for quite some time. When I was 80 pounds heavier I was always the one either taking the picture or just plain hiding from the camera. Many women..and I am sure a few men will tell you, that they don't always look in the mirror and see themselves as others see them. This is particularly true for me. So now that I am substantially lighter....(both in brain cells and in pounds), I thought there would be no better way to celebrate my new body than to have it photographed for the masses. Now understand....this was really going out of my comfort zone. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am although I am way out there in left field, I don't even really like to be seen in a swim suit...let alone lace underwear and a corset. The thing about this kind of photo shoot is it isn't just the day that it occurs that is the experience. The weeks leading up to it I found myself more and more excited and nervous as I shopped for lingerie to wear, bought some angel wings at a costume shop, got a pedicure and made a feeble attempt to dull the whiteness of my thighs with self-tanning lotion. Oh I guess I should explain the angel wing thing....the theme for this photo shoot was dark angel so all of the women participating were going to have angel wings on. That in itself made me want to do it...as it will probably be the one and only time anyone would ever see me as an angel. Finally it was the day of the shoot. I showered, meticulously shaved my legs and headed off to get my hair and makeup done, which the photographer provides for you. Two very talented young ladies worked their magic making me feel and look a little like a rock star. Now here is the best part....we headed off to location. Initially we had a private farm available to be photographed at. However, this didn't pan out on the day of my shoot so instead I found myself under a very public bridge on a road that seemed to have non-stop traffic that day. There I stood...on the side of the road in a pair of lace underwear, a red satin corset, hair extensions and a pair of 3 inch heels. If it hadn't of been for the angel wings and the camera in my face...I am certain that I would have been either arrested or offered an hour's work. People stopped and stared, honked their horns, and one old guy on a scooter even made a couple of trips past to gawk (your welcome to him for most likely making his day by the way). At first I was terrified, but as the hour went on my terror transformed to empowerment. I squatted and sprawled like I owned it and didn't really give a damn that people could see me. I posed on stairs, rocks, cement pads trying to conform what I call my constipated face into something sexy. I forgot about the stretch marks, sharpei stomach and saddlebags that life and my kids have gifted me with, and just enjoyed the experience. When it was all said and done...I felt confident, strong, sexy, empowered, and proud of what I had just done...feelings that all women should have about themselves but tend to get buried in piles of laundry, diapers and dirty dishes. I highly suggest to my female readers to do something like this if the opportunity arises. Small or big, old or young, no kids or ten....we all have a sexy side somewhere deep inside. Maybe it's time you let yours out!!

I would like to put out a special thanks to Mel and Souki for the fab hair and makeup; My girlfriend Jenn for sharing in this experience with me; and of course the talented Jan Stolee from Photography by Jan Stolee

Farewell to our furry family member.

2011-08-22T11:47:00.001-06:00

Devo's last night camping. His favorite thing to do.

Anyone who is a responsible pet owner knows that your pet is without a doubt, a member of your family. Well sadly, this weekend, we lost a member of ours. Our family dog Devo passed away shortly after his affinity for moving truck tires proved to be a battle he could not win. It happened at the land where we camp, which was his favorite place to be and where he is now buried. This has been a devastating loss to our family...more than I ever thought it would be frankly...but I guess it makes sense as we have had that dog longer than we have had our children. I have posted several times about my dog Devo and how ridiculously mentally unstable he was....he destroyed toilets seats, attacked my couch and laundry room floor, barked incessantly and was absolutely terrible to travel with (see post Oh My Dog)....but he was so much more than that. He was my security system when my hubby used to work away; my warm blanket on a cold night; an aficionado in "rub-a-tummies," and he was my kids' best friend. I think that is the toughest part. As a mother, you can put a band-aid on a scrape, kiss a boo-boo, or throw a treat at some hurt feelings....but nothing you can do will mend a childs' broken heart. Well nothing but time....and an inevitable trip to the local shelter to get a new dog. So I bid farewell to a member of our family. You have left holes in our couch and now in our hearts. My husband put it best when he said "Devo, you were an asshole...but you were our asshole." Goodbye my furry little friend, you will actually be missed!

Devo's final resting place at our land

A touching message on his casket from my 8 year old

The great decision.

2011-08-09T14:24:00.001-06:00

As we all know...life is full of many sacrifices. As a parent it seems that those sacrifices are even more numerous. I have sacrificed my wasteline, much of my sanity, trips to the bathroom by myself, a day withouth Toopy and Binoo, jumping on a trampoline without depends, and many times my hygiene, just to name a few. I have done all of this so that my children can be here on this earth and live their lives filled with food, fun, and love and all it takes is one charming smile, a quick cuddle or a "I love you to the end of the galaxy" to make you realize that every sacrifice is absolutely worth it. Last year however, we as a family made the decision that I would return to school. Now it was them having to sacrifice for me. Missed hockey games, nose in my books all night, stints at various sitters and when I found time, them having to appear in public with me looking like the night of the living dead from the three hours of sleep I was getting a night. So now I face a decision. Do I return to school this year?? I by no means want to quit....just simply take a hiatus for a year or two until my youngest kids are in school full time. When that happens there will still be many sacrifices for all of us to make...but without the burden of tying to have them in 6 places at one time, not to mention the ten grand in childcare bills that it costs a year. I mean really?? What is two years in the grand scheme of things? (besides 50 more pairs of ripped knees in the jeans of my kids.) Kraft dinner or hotdogs?? Chicken or beef?? Tequila or Jager? I make a thousand decisions a day but this one is by far the toughest I have faced in a while. This is why I share it with you...to help to slow my mind and decide what is best for everyone. Thanks for allowing me to force you against your will to listen.

Go ahead...rain on my parade! It already sucks!!

2011-07-20T14:51:00.001-06:00

My stint as a band geek!!

One thing that is an inevitable part of every summer...besides mosquito bites, sunburns and tequila...is parades. This morning I decided the brave the world, four kids in tow, and join the masses for the local parade. It started with a bang...literally! The marching band. Being as I am an alumni of a marching band (yes, I was a band geek), hearing the sound of the bass drums is somewhat nostalgic for me. Memories of the floats, the Shriner's in there miniature cars and the candy came flooding back. This is why I go through the hassle of dragging my kids downtown, fighting for a parking spot and chancing a public altercation about my childrens' behaviour. The problem with this is however....the parade had none of the things I remember. There is hardly any showstopping floats. One after one old cars filled with politicians nobody knows, trucks pulling trailers covered in real estate ads, and one guy holding a sign while pulling a wagon adorn with two balloons walked past us. There is no candy either. I remember a day when we would walk away from a parade with more candy than Halloween night. But because of one poorly supervised child that just happened to run out in traffic, the city has banned any sweet stuff from appearing (with the exception of the firemen.....) As I mentioned, I do enjoy the bands though. Unfortunately, the first band to appear was also the last. Apparently they want to play where there is candy too!! Of all my memories of parades one thing is still a sure fire bet to be there each and every year. Those cute little Shriner's in their miniature cars. These guys are so old that they are probably still the same ones that were in the parades when I was a kid. The fact that it isn't that hard to convince them to leave their lawn bowling and bridge tournaments for a couple of hours, combined with the fact that they finally get a shot at driving again, even with their revoked licenses.... means we will be enjoying their presence for years to come! Parades...they are not unlike Adam Sandler movies. Even though they suck...you just keep going back every year hoping the next one will be better!!

The Red Deer Royals and I marching in Disneyworld

Summer, schmummer!!

2011-07-06T17:31:00.002-06:00

Once again summertime is upon us. The flowers are in bloom, the grass soft and mossy, birds singing, kids playing outside and good times all around!!! Pfft...what a crock!! Let me tell you what summer really means to us parents!!
1. Double....no triple the laundry. Anyone who has ever had a child play outside knows they could find a mud puddle in the Sahara desert!
2. The ice cream truck!! Who the hell thought this was a good idea! Driving past my house sixteen times a day with that stupid song blaring and enticing my kids into uncontrollable fits of rage and crying. I can't decide what would make me a worse mother....screaming at them NO! for the umpteenth time or giving in and letting them eat chemical covered dairy treats that will surely end up on their clothes, only increasing my laundry obligations.
3. Bikinis! No....not on me, ugh. On every size 2 woman in the world. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself than staring at some woman's hip bones several times a day.
4. Shorts season. Although I avoid the bikini at all costs...I do indulge in the shorts. A problem for me, not so much. But it does increase the chance ten fold that one of you will be blinded by the glare of my ridiculously white legs. Unless of course they are bright red. Even after years of severe sunburns, I think that for some reason this will be the year that they just may tan! As a side note on summer clothes...could anyone tell me where to by a strapless bra designed for a woman who has bore and nursed four children?
5. Bugs. Okay normally bugs don't really...well bug me. This year however, the mosquitoes are the size of pterodactyls and blood hungry! My kids have looked like they have chickenpox for a month and they are itchier than if they actually did.
6. Kids are out of school. Really??? Do I need to explain this one? All I really can say about this is that they really should pay teachers more!

Minus all of the negatives...I really do love summer! I do enjoy spending time with my kids when they are happy...so approximately an hour a day. And let's be honest...for some reason it is the only season that it is socially acceptable to have a beer or margarita in the afternoon, and not have an intervention waiting for me the next evening! So I raise my margarita to you readers and say.... enjoy your summer!

A special guest writer...

2011-06-27T21:55:00.001-06:00

Well this is an exciting day!! This blog entry is courtesy of a very special guest writer. My 10 year old son is apparently making a valiant attempt to follow in my footsteps....which I pray to God ends before he turns 14!! He wrote this poem and I loved it so much I felt the need to share it all with you.

"If You Live in the Prairie"

If you live in the prairie
You know the land
You must know the land
It has fields that are really light,
Hundreds of them that are so bright.
It grows lots of wheat,
We make some stuff from the cow's meat.
If you live in the prairie,
You must know the land.

If you live in the prairie,
You know the storm,
You must know the storm.
It brings lots of rain to the land,
It makes the snow fall in your hand,
The tornadoes make the land look bad,
The hail falls and makes us mad.
If you in the prairie,
You know the storm.

If you live in the prairie,
You know the bugs,
You must know the bugs.
The mosquitoes bite your skin,
The stick bug swims in the bin.
The ladybugs fly around,
And they poop on the ground.
If you live in the prairie,
You know the bugs

Future Robert Frost maybe....love that kid!!!!

My dirty little secret...

2011-06-20T16:20:00.002-06:00

I have a dirty little secret that I am choosing to share with all of you today. Nope...it is not that I own beige grandma panties (dirty maybe...but there is nothing little about them!) I, as a stay at home mother of four, do NOT sit around eating bonbons all day. My life, with the exception of the beige underwear, is not a glamorous one. It is filled with laundry, body fluids, and a complete lack of gratitude that I deal with both! I realize that I am constantly writing about the continuous shenanigans that my children undertake but I have decided that pictures speak far louder than words. If I was capable of feeling shame, I would probably be too embarrassed to show you what you are about to see. However, for some reason I feel I owe it to parents everywhere to show just how much we deal with each and every day or at the very least make you feel like you are not alone! Actually...I just want you all to gain an understanding into my mental state and my passionate love for wine! Enjoy.

Disclaimer: The following video may send you running for a vasectomy, tubal ligation, chastity belt or some beige underwear of your own.

I am woman...hear me belch.

2011-06-06T21:50:00.000-06:00

I am a woman. I love to wear make up, do my hair and look pretty. I wear skirts, but underneath my legs are bruised and scraped. I will go out in a pair of three inch heels, but I can still run you down and kick your ass if need be. My nails are painted but you will never hear me bitching if I break one and I am far more likely to be caught scrapping then scrapbooking. I am obsessed with all sports and have been known to miss important fuctions to stay home and watch a hockey game. I would rather drink beer or a stiff rye than a martini or daquiri. I can whip up a gourmet meal for 20 but will probably sit with my legs uncrossed and belch at the dinner table. I swear like a trucker who has just stubbed their toe and have been known to say things that could make even a pornstar blush. The closest I will ever be to a princess is when I am sitting at a poker table bluffing you out of your pocket queens with a seven - deuce unsuited. When you get in my vehicle I will not turn the game off to listen to some bubble gum pop song. I love to quad, snowmobile, camp, and fish and will go without a shower after doing all of them. I will definitely NOT eat a salad if we go out for dinner, unless it is covered in a 10 ounce striploin! I don't like to be called a tomboy because I am not named Tom, nor am I a boy. I am simply... a woman!

This is to all of the women out there!! "Girly-girls," "tomboys," and everything in between. Never apologize for who you are!!!

Another check off the bucket list!

2011-05-22T13:08:00.001-06:00

Well another May long weekend has arrived! The unofficial kick off to summer. It is a weekend usually filled with an assortment of meat products and an even larger variety of alcoholic beverages. This year however, I spent the May long weekend a little differently than usual. Two years ago I would have been laying on the couch 80 pounds heavier and most likely nursing a killer hangover while scarfing back a giant cheesburger from some fast food restaurant. This year though, I competed in my very first 10K race. I stood at the starting line this morning with only one thought in my head...WTF am I doing here!!! As the starting gun went though I had no choice but to run...and run I did. I ran like the wind....well more like a gentle breeze...but I ran nonetheless. The 2km mark comes and now all I am thinking is I seriously hope this isn't the last thing on earth that I ever do. 5km....Holy crap, I have to do this for 5 more kilometers!!! 7km...does anyone else smell burnt toast?? But finally the 9km sign appears...Wow!! I actually think I can do this! As I crossed the finish line I found myself overcome with emotion (and the urge to throwup in my own mouth). I had done it!! My time (1 hour and 5 minutes) was by no means a record pace but I had finished my first official 10K race! Considering the fact that two years ago the only running I was doing was to the john after indulging in an oversized sundae, I consider this a huge milestone in my journey to a healthier me!
Hoping to inspire you... Tara Posti. Wife, mother of four, student...and runner :)

Thanks to my girlfriend for asking me to do this race...as I probably wouldn't have otherwise. And a huge congrats to ALL of the runners in today's race at any distance...you inspire me!

Where is that damn wagon???

2011-04-29T09:51:00.001-06:00

Well 8 long months have passed and I am now officially a quarter of my way through my bachelor of science in nursing degree. It has taking alot of hard work, a whole lot of liquor, and a gigantic amount of patience from my family and friends; but with their support I managed to pull off all As and one A-. Thanks to that liquor however, and the on campus Tim Horton's, I have also managed to outgrow my favorite pair of jeans. Yes, I, as many before me, have fallen off the "healthy" wagon!! Now when I say fallen off...I mean I fallen off, rolled through a puddle of wine, down a ridiculously steep ravine and landed square in a lake of potato chips that I had to eat myself out of to keep from drowning. I couldn't even see the wagon ahead of me even with the help of the Hubble telescope. So it is time to find that damn wagon and jump back on!!! I have decided to undertake a six week challenge at my local gym to assist me in doing this which is the perfect challenge for me as I am a hyper-competitive person. How competetive? Well, I once missed two weeks of university trying to beat someone's high score on a video game (yes...too bad I wasn't in a total loser competition.) So this week I defrosted some chicken breasts, did away with the coffee creamer and have begun my grueling work outs again in hopes that in six weeks, I have not only spotted the wagon, but have shackled myself to it again. Having not gone to the gym in a month, the workouts this week have rendered me crippled...literally. I cringed just blinking this morning and am terrified to eliminate the 8 glasses of water a day I am drinking a day for fear that I will not be able to get off the toilet. EVERY part of my body hurts...but I will push through, chase down that wagon and hop back on...if my muscles will let me!

This Monday has been brought to you by the letters F and U!!!

2011-04-11T10:50:00.001-06:00

Well I am officially done school now!! My classes are finished with two exams left and then year one is complete! So today is my first day home all day with my children again. I have been so looking forward to being home with them all day, getting them off to school and seeing their smiling faces as I pick them up, but only two hours into the first day home I have come to realize...what the HELL was I thinking!!!! The winter here has been longer than the chest line my four kids have left me with, so now that the sun is out they have been chomping at the bit to ride their bikes to school. Everything was ready to go this morning...except their helmets. 15 minutes to find them combined with my seven year's ability to move slower than a crippled turtle means I am now late getting my four year old to preK. Well apparently the ridiculous amount of prepackaged snacks my children have consumed over the winter (as evident by the 200 wrappers I just discovered under the basement couch) have gone straight to their skulls. The helmets don't even remotely fit. Have you ever adjusted a bike helmet?? It probably would have taken me less time to find a cure for cancer...but finally I get them off to school and my daughter, son and I, now 15 minutes late, head off to play school. Driving along my daughter, who had previously only been channeling the devil, is now apparently channeling Houdini's spirit as well. In less than a block she has escaped from her car seat!! Just as I am about to turn around to chastise her I see a kid ride out in front of my vehicle. I slam on my brakes, my daughter goes flying into the floor face first (she is okay by the way), and I am pissed right off that some mother out there has not taught their child the basic safety rules of riding a bike! I mean what kid wouldn't even stop to check for vehicles before veering carelessly into a busy street.........(drum roll please).....Yep, that would be my kid. My seven year old, who takes 45 minutes every morning just to put his underwear on, is suddenly in a hurry. I can't believe that it is only 8:35 in the morning and I have somehow manage to accidentally, almost kill half of my children. The only thing that could make this day any worse is if my dog were to escape and my daughter crapped everywhere while I was trying to chase down his furry butt! Oh wait...that happened too. Best Monday EVER!!!

Terrible parents unite!!!

2011-03-04T13:09:00.000-07:00

To all of the parents out there...Do you ever have days where all you can do is sit and wonder "Where did I go wrong?" Today is one of those days! I like to consider myself a pretty good mother...I tuck my kids in almost every night, I rarely go a day without giving them a hug and never go a day without telling them I love them. I always try to make them balanced and healthy meals, sit with them and do their homework, and try to provide them with as much opportunity as possible to engage in fun activities outside of our normal grinding schedule. Today however, I am feeling like if I had a license to parent, it would surely be revoked. You see, I woke up this morning to the statement "Mom, she pooped on the floor." That comment jolted me out of bed faster than the smell of bacon. And there it was...my daughter had removed a soiled diaper at around 7 am this morning and managed to leave a trail of feces throughout the hallway, staircase and livingroom. The worse part is my daughter is 3 and a half years old. The age where it seems pretty much every child this age (even the neglected ones) are potty trained . I couldn't even get her to even sit on a potty if I duct taped her there. To make matters worse my 4 year old son, who also took what seemed like an eternity to train, has now suddenly reverted back to going in his pants. So while I showered this morning to wash my daughter's "eau de crap" off of me, my son went soiled himself (in his clean clothes) and then in a very valiant attempt to clean it up, spread it pretty much all over himself and the bathroom. Yes, I have a 3 and half year old in diapers, a four year old that now goes in his pants, and one bed wetting son. If you consider that my older boys were also almost 4 before they were potty trained, that means almost ten full years of diapers. You heard me right... 10 YEARS!!! (Insert environmentalists with torches and pitchforks here.) After so many years of this, I am starting to wonder if this is somehow my fault. Realistically I am the only common denominator. The point of today's blog is not gather up sympathy or to fish for the inevitable "it's not your fault" remark.. It is simply this...if you are a parent ever sitting there thinking "Man! Do I ever suck at this!!" Just remember...you are not the only one. Today I stand united with the few brave souls that have the kahunas to admit that sometimes they are just terrible at this thing we call parenting.

What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas???

2011-02-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

I am officially finished three quarters of my first year of my Nursing degree. It has been quite the adventure and more challenging on me and my family than we ever expected...but somehow we found away to push through. This has never been more true during my last 6 week term which was far more a test in my patience and sanity than in my academic ability. So my husband (needing a break probably even more than I did) planned us a trip to Las Vegas to celebrate both our ten years of marriage and the fact that we haven't killed each other in the last six weeks.

So I am sure you are all aware of the saying "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" but let me tell you that this is one of the biggest lies the travel industry has ever tried to jam down our throats...and that includes Columbia's brilliant slogan "the only risk is wanting to stay" (yes..that is their actual slogan). Although the now familiar Vegas slogan conjures up movie worthy images of drunken rampages, high priced escorts and other activities that would, in any other city, send you into a life long downward spiral of self loathing...I am going to explain why it is simply not true.

1. My ass. So when I got home, I very tentatively stepped on the scale. WTF!! I gained 6 pounds. When you consider that my body is still completely dehydrated from 6 days of straight drinking it probably is more like 9 pounds. So why is it that the thirty dollar gourmet burgers and other crap I ingested followed me home on my rump and didn't stay in Vegas?? Although with the amount of Mexican food I ate...I totally should have broke even.

2. My bank account. No matter how well you plan, how much you save, or how thrifty you try to be in Vegas...eventually (unless you are fabulously wealthy) you will all be put on the CFR program. Aka the credit, forget it then regret it program. So even though my money is staying in Vegas, my debt is coming home with me.

3. The number one reason that the Vegas slogan does not stand up...social media. Even though I will surely not publish some of the pictures of some of my "The Hangover" like shenanigans...somebody, somewhere will. Your memories (thanks to the abundance of free poured 12 dollar cocktails) will undoubtably remain in Vegas, but at home that picture of you riding a mechanical bull in your underwear will surface. Just for the record..I did not partake in this activity, but I did witness girls who did...and you bet my cheeseburger toting behind that I took pictures.

Happy Anniversary to my husband!! Thanks for everything you have done and for the trip!

The Great Sock Mystery

2011-01-18T20:54:00.000-07:00

As the mother of three boys (and one tomboy), there are a few things that I have just had to learn to except as part of life. Experience from living with a grown man has made me realize my boys will never learn to put the seat down when they are finished and I have accepted this as fact. They have completely ignored that millions of years of evolution have provided them with feet to walk on and instead choose their knees as their main source of transport. This puts holes in their pants faster that I can earn the money to replace them....and I have come to accept this too. Their "inside" voices can be heard clear across the Pacific ocean...yet i have embraced this as well (mostly out of guilt because they have a bullhorn for a mother). There is still one thing though, that after almost ten years of raising kids, I am having a very difficult time coming to terms with. Where the hell do their socks go!!! Now if somehow, they could manage to lose both socks, I probably wouldn't care as much. However they only seem capable of losing one. Almost every boy I have ever known has this propensity for separating a sock from it's soul mate for all of eternity. This is a mystery so closely guarded by children everywhere that Sherlock Holmes himself could not unravel it. The purpose of my story is this...next time you see my children out in public in their mismatched socks (and most likely ripped pants)...no, they are not "homeless" and yes, their mother does care about them...enough anyways, to avoid spending their college funds on matching socks. Although after the foam up the nose experience (http://abellylaughadaykeepsthenuthouseaway.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-genetic-legacy-to-my-child.html) and a tongue versus cold steel incident today...it may be time to reevaluate those investments!

Happy New Years!

2011-01-03T22:24:00.000-07:00

Well in the blink of an eye another year has passed. This year was busy and I have a feeling it isn't going to get any better. There have been tears but lots of laughs; frowns but lots of smiles; and chaos but plenty of calm...HA!! Who am I kidding?? There is NO calm around here... but I would't have it any other way. So happy New Years readers! I hope that 2011 is prosperous and full of joy for all of you!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-23T16:36:00.001-07:00

Wrote this one last year but thought it was worth a repost! Happy Holidays readers.....

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

You could not hear a jet, over my children’s loud mouths

My daughter’s face filthy, my son’s butt was bare

Garbage and laundry and toys everywhere

Running and jumping with their sugar filled brains

I uncorked some wine for a big glass of “sane”

And just when we thought they had settled to bed

A scream from the bedroom; “Mom! He punched me in the head!”

With the cage matched diffused and the kids all tucked in

The three hours of wrapping gifts could begin

I sat on my Christmas goody filled ass

With my wine filled right to the top of the glass

Finished the wrapping, the stockings now filled

Another Christmas complete with nobody killed

A whole lot of work for ten minutes of fun

Kind of like sex when it’s all said and done

You know though….the hassle is all worth the while

When on Christmas morning I see my kids’ smiles

Spending the day with family and friends

That’s what it’s all about in the end!

From my dysfunctional family to yours

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!!

Life : 2896 - Earth: zero

2010-12-16T13:50:00.000-07:00

Unless you have been living under a rock, or a giant beached whale...you are probably aware of this thing they call global warming. As a concerned citizen of this fine earth, I try to do my share to counteract my so called "carbon" footprint. Unfortunately that footprint for me is as big as my post Christmas ass! I drive a suburban that consumes fuel faster than I can down a bottle of wine; the amount of garbage I throw out pretty much single handedly pays the landfill workers' wages; I've been know to have the odd tire fire; and the diapers....oh the diapers. This is why I was so excited by the prospect of recently being able to throw out five or so less diapers a day! You see my kids are bed wetters and I have endured 9 years of overnight pants (your welcome Huggies). Not to mention I am STILL trying to potty train my daughter. We have decided to see what would happen if we just got rid of the overnight pants and diapers all together. This has gone surprisingly well...sort of. Most of the time they stay dry; however when one decides to go...they all seem to. So now I no longer have to throw out diapers...instead I have to throw out a half a roll of paper towel a day because of my daughter's over zealous need to mark her territory in every room in the house. I have washed (in hot water of course) on average four loads of bedding a week with phosphate filled detergent because of nighttime accidents. And last but not least...I have had to throw out two pairs of unrecognizable underwear wrapped in not one, but two non-degradable plastic shopping bags. It really is a lose-lose situation! Let's be honest..the earth stands about as much chance of winning this battle as Alberta has of bringing home a Stanley cup..and that is the real inconvenient truth.

All I want for Christmas is...

2010-12-11T11:02:00.002-07:00

Well this year my kids have once again managed to come up with the most outrageous Christmas list! Laptops, an Ipod touch, a $250 lego train set and everything they see on advertisements while ~~being babysat~~ watchng TV. In the spirit of asking for a bunch of crap that will never see the light of day in this house I propose my Christmas list for 2010.

1. A pair of those tone up running shoes. Because in Alberta, apparently "freezing my ass off" is only a figure of speech. Not to mention I would look only slightly less ridiculous in those shoes than lunging my way around town.

2. Peace on Earth. Let's face it...war sucks. Especially at 7:30 in the morning over a 15 cent piece of lego.

3. A nanny/maid. One who is willing to love my children regardless of the fact that I will be paying her in jellybeans (and not the gourmet ones).

4. A monkey. To watch the kids when my newly aquired nanny is being treated for complications due to the ingestion of too many jelly beans.

5. The invention of fat free potato chips that are not so laden with chemicals that they make you flammable and that taste just like the real thing.

6. A Stanley cup win for the Oilers. I am done justifying a terrible season with the statement "well at least we got a great draft pick."

7. A million dollars. Not for me though...for my kids' schools and hockey teams. I am starting to feel like a homeless person with the amount of times I've had to beg people for money.

8. A bladder lift. Come on, I've had four kids! Although I would settle for a time machine so I could go back and start doing keigels on a regular basis!

9. A Coach purse. I realize that this does not seem like a unrealistic request but trust me...Noone here knows what that is. When and if I do finally get one...it will surely be a nylon tote bag with a giant picture of Don Cherry's face on it.
10. Last but not least....I would love for Santa to lose his naughty list. Because without that happening...I will surely never get any of the above!

Merry Christmas readers!!

Christmas already??

2010-11-26T16:09:00.009-07:00

Well yesterday it was officially one month exactly until Christmas day, which also marks yet another year that I have failed miserably to grow a money tree. It seems that every year, despite the planning and the eagerness to get an early start, Christmas day just sneaks up on me like a stealth ninja. I know what you are all thinking...when do I have time to plan ahead for the impending holiday. Well just to clarify...I don't. By planning I mean a preemptive call to my credit card company just to give them the heads up that "No! My card has not been stolen and used to make a ridiculous amount of purchases." Although the commercialism of this holiday has reached Superbowl like proportions, there is so much that I enjoy about it.

1. I love the smiles on my kids' faces as they savagely rip through their presents just to toss them on the pile and look for the next one. This is why I have now decided to put underwear or socks on top of every present. Trust me...after seeing that first, your child will NEVER complain about what is underneath!
2. The food!! Oh the glorious food. Turkey, ham, stuffing, cookies and enough chocolate to comatose a nation. Sure I'll have to use all of my Christmas money after for a new pair of pants, insulin and a gym membership...but considering I'll be too broke to eat for the three months following, I might as well eat like there is no tomorrow!
3. I love Christmas music. Sure the traditional Bing Crosby and carolling stuff is great. But I love the fact that Christmas is an opportunity for ANYONE to put out a CD. You could have not had a new CD in 20 years and just mash out a prewritten Christmas song to a little guitar, tada!! Instant cash flow. Britney Spears, David Hasselhoff (they love him in Germany), Alice Cooper, and Twisted Sister (featuring Lita Ford) have all pulled this off. Although I have to admit...the last one is pretty damn cool!
4. There is no better time of year than Christmas to bribe (or threaten) your child into doing something! "Clean your room or Santa isn't coming!"; "You better eat that broccoli or Santa will have you on the naughty list."; "You know...Santa is watching everytime you punch your brother in the face." Judge me as a parent if you want, but a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do!
5. Last but not least...I love spending time with my family. Commercialism, full contact shopping, and bankruptcy aside... it is a day in which I can sit with my family and just enjoy them. In a life full of school, hockey, and just stuff...it is awesome to just have one day where we can hang out in our jammies, eating chocolate for breakfast and just be together! Family...that is the real reason I love Christmas!!

>

This blog may contain traces of Laughillius...

2010-11-12T16:10:00.001-07:00

Okay this blog may seem trivial or just another reason for me to complain...but I have a bone to pick. I was at Superstore today to buy toothpaste, which I realize is about as exciting as watching grass grow. I scan the shelves trying to decide which flavor of toothpaste I would like....spearmint, freshmint, orange, empowerment... Wait a minute!!! Empowerment?? What exactly does empowerment taste like?? A self defense class?? This was just the last straw in a long list of companies making up names for stuff in an attempt to hock their crap on the naive consumer. Shampoo now has "nutrilium" and "hydratein" to make my hair oh so shiny. Deodorant comes in the scents of hope and peace. For those of you who have never smelled peace, it is a little more floral than hope but not quite as strong as love. My yogurt is infused with B.L. Regularis, which after four years of genetics and microbiology I have yet to learn about. So because these companies clearly believe that I am an idiot, my morning routine looks a little like this....Wake up in the morning and "nutriliumize" my hair in the shower. This is followed by some mouth "empowerement" and the slapping of a little "hope" on the old armpits. Last but not least...my morning trip to the "john"....thanks B.L. Regularis!!!

My Genetic Legacy to my Child

2010-11-01T11:33:00.003-06:00

As a mother I would like to believe I have given my children many gifts that they can take through life. A sense of independence, the ability to feel empathy and of course love. Unfortunately the genetic code dictates that there are gifts they have received that I have no control over. I wish I was talking about my charming personality, good looks and my modesty....but instead they get my utter lack of grace, jet engine like voice and apparently, the inability to think before they act. Let me explain.

It started about a week ago when I was having a conversation with my seven year old son and I noticed that there was a terribly foul odour coming from his mouth. My first instinct was to assume he is not brushing his teeth properly and make him do it again. A couple of days later, his mouth has now begun to smell a little like a sewer. So once again, I usher him to the bathroom, check over his teeth to make sure none of them are rotting, and floss and brush them for him. Five days in and I literally can not have a conversation with this kid without gagging. It was the most terrible smell ever...just like a pig farm, but in his mouth. Unless he was willing to don a gas mask everytime he had something to say, something had to be done. So this morning I took him into the doctor. She asks what is wrong and I explain that I believe he must have a sinus infection because of his terrible breath and his nasal drip. She takes a look up there, grabs some VERY long tweezers and proceeds to pull something out of his nose. There it was...a huge wad of what was once cotton batting from my newly torn leather couch (yes the kids wrecked that too). It had been up there for weeks and now somewhat resembled a very tiny rotting corpse in appearance and odour. EWWWW!!

So how exactly is this a "gift" I have given my child? You see when I was young and carefree I also had a fetish with jamming things up my nose. I recall both an incident with a cheesie and a mini plastic ball that both had to be forcefully removed. Yes, while some pass on musical talent, intelligence, and model like looks....my genetic legacy to my child is a nose full of rotting cotton!

Is that the best you can do universe???

2010-10-29T17:01:00.001-06:00

As a mother of four young children, a wife, hockey mom, friend, owner of a mentally unstable dog and nursing student my life is quite literally, a circus. Unfortunately, I am a terrible ringmaster (although I look quite dapper in a top hat.) I realize that there will be some good days, and some bad...but it seems to me that when one thing goes awry it tends to set off some sort or universal reaction for all things to go wrong. Maybe it is because my schedule can be compared with the 401 highway in Toronto. When you are driving right up someone's behind, doing 140 km/h and a crash happens, it is bound to cause a pile up. Well here is a description of my pileup, also know as Friday....

6:30 -Wake up this morning and my son has a very apparent ear infection. The poor little guy obviously feels like crap and is determined to make everyone else around him feel the same way. Regardless, I get him and the other three kids packed up at 7:30 and off to the sitters so I can go to school.

11:00 - I race home because I need to get lunch started and get the Halloween stuff ready so my kids can come home, eat, and get ready for their school festivities. Walk into the house and it smells like a sewer...not usually a good sign. As I head downstairs I see it...like a crime scene but only with doggy diarrhea!! Yuck! It was like someone had picked him up, pointed him ass out and squeezed! It was on the toys, the stairs, even on one of walls. So out comes the steam cleaner (and the tears) and away I go!

12:00 - With most of the evidence cleaned up and my resolve quickly fading, I am now late to pick up ALL of my kids. I rush to the sitters and grab two of them, one of which, in the spirit of Halloween, has clearly been possessed by an evil spirit at some point in the morning. So after wrangling her into her car seat while she screeches and beats on me, we run to the school and grab my boys. At home I throw some lunch on a plate to feed them (I am still convinced a trough would be so much easier) and begin the task of prepping their Halloween snacks for their school parties. Then quickly into their costumes....oh crap!! My son's cowboy shirt buttons won't do up. Of course! Why would a two dollar used plaid cowboy shirt have functioning snaps?? Find some safety pins, fix the shirt, throw all four kids begrudgingly back into the car and head back to the school.

1:00 - And we sit.....and we sit....and we sit some more. We are in the gym and waiting for the costume parade to start. My toddlers' faces are covered in ketchup from lunch but they are surprisingly well behaved considering the time of day and their current state of exhaustion. The school kids parade through the gym and both of my toddlers pass out cold...one on the floor and one on my lap (the heaviest is on my lap of course.) There is NO way I can carry seventy pounds of toddler out of the gym on my own. So I make an executive decision to carry out the one who isn't feeling well. Unfortunately this also means that I must rouse the sleeping bear from her slumber. And like a bear she was pissed off, and looking for blood!!

2:00 - After carrying 40 pounds of dead weight a block to my car while being chased the entire way by a screaming angry two year old... I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel....so much so that I think I will indulge myself in a Timmie's steeped tea. As I head home with my grandeur thoughts of relaxing for a minute with my tea, I am forced to slam on my breaks to avoid hitting the car in front of me...yep there goes my tea flying all over my floor.

What does a wet squirrel, a talking rabbit and wrestling gerbils have in common??

2010-10-14T09:52:00.002-06:00

     Okay rant time!! National guidelines suggest that as parents, we limit our child's television time to an hour or less a day. The reason for this is it stimulates our children to use their imaginations and keeps them active. But lets be honest, raise your hand if you have on occasion let your children watch more than an hour of TV in one day??? I may be wrong, but I am sure there was enough hands raised to change the trajectory of the jet stream. So if by chance our kids do happen to be watching TV, what is it that they are suppose to watch?? They can't watch adult television or they will all grow up to be serial killers, so we are forced to tune into the "kids" channels. Okay seriously??? Have you seen this crap??!!! For those who have not had the pleasure of having to endure even a half an hour of children's programming, let me enlighten you with some examples.
    1. A show about two young talking bunnies who apparently are not required to attend school and live on their own without a parent or any other adult in sight. In my world a bunny better not be talking to me unless it is trying to hock me a cream egg.
    2. A cat and mouse whom together take all kinds of acid trips...ummm, I mean adventures... to far away places. The other day they took a trip to...you guessed it...underwear land. If you actually did guess that, I applaud the way you think and we should totally hang out sometime!
    3. A giant purple dinosaur that is so happy that he is obviously on Prozac, and runs around hugging all of the children before turning back into a stuffed animal.
    4. A talking sponge, who lives at the bottom of the ocean with a dimwitted starfish and a squirrel. That's right... a squirrel. Makes sense right??
    5. A group of four adults, whom without a doubt have checked their self dignity at the door, dancing around in blue Lycra outfits and beanies. Do they have to be in pants that tight?? I don't even notice what they are actually doing anymore. All I can focus on is the gerbil wrestling match that is happening under that blue Lycra tent.
    6. A tiny little Spanish girl, who apparently has her license and who's best friend is a monkey. Did you know that Michael Jackson's best friend was also a monkey and I would have never let my kids hang out with him.
   What is my point you ask?? It as simple as this... kid's shows are stupid!!! I realize that the most logical solution would be for me just to shut the TV off but for some reason society isn't as willing to embrace me when I haven't showered for 4 days. So until then I will try to decide which is worse. That my child grows up to be some kind of sociopath from watching adult programming or grows up to believe that squirrels live in the ocean, blue Lycra is always in style, and underwearland is a must see destination!

Karma's a bitch!!

2010-10-07T11:03:00.000-06:00

I apologize for not having written in a while but as I had mentioned before, I am now in school taking nursing. I am loving it but holy crap, has it been an adjustment for everybody!! Balancing my kids' homework, hockey, housework, friendships, marriage, my facebook cafe, and school has definitely been a challenge and my life is quite literally becoming a psychological experiment for the effects of parental neglect on children. However, since my children were already deemed "feral", at least in my mind, I am hoping the effects are minimal!!

Speaking of "feral" children...let us discuss my daughter. Okay, maybe the term feral is a little harsh... a rabid dog might be a kinder and more fitting description. OH MY GOD!!! First of all, how is it possible that the child with the cutest little voice and the most cherub like face has seemingly become a vessel for the soul of Satan himself? I know that it sounds terrible, but she is as wild, single minded, temperamental and stubborn as they come! Insert my Mom's voice here (dripping in sarcasm).."hmmm...I can't imagine what that's like my dear." Yes, I realize that if anyone was going to have karma kick them in the ass it was me. I am also painfully aware that my daughter's actions are more than likely a reflection of my less than wonderful parenting skills, although in complete denial, I would prefer to attribute it to having her two older brothers as role models. Her behaviour can really only be described as "terrible twos" on steroids because not only does she tantrum, but she also loves to bite, punch, hit, kick and scream until her eyes bulge. I have to don full protective gear just to change her pants, get her dressed or even just to walk away from her when she is in full "exorcist" mode.

Oh sure...now she is smiling

Well yesterday she was having one these episodes. I don't quite remember (probably because of the recent blows to the head from her) what had caused her to fly off the handle but I am sure it had something to do with the fact I had closed the back door the wrong way. Well after two straight minutes of a UFC like beating, I figured it was time to just walk away until she calmed down. My daughter however, had an entirely different plan. She charged at me... not unlike a bull. Fangs bared, steam pouring out of her nostrils and hands up and ready to pinch any flesh she may come into contact with. As she grabbed my leg in her fit of rage, she spun around and SMACK!!! She went face first into the TV cabinet!! Poor little thing. I picked her up to console her, as I knew from the sound of her skull bouncing off the wood that it had to have done some damage. Now instead of being blinded by her red hot fury she was blinded (in one eye anyways) by a big old fashioned shiner. So I did what every good and nurturing mother would do...I laughed. Not rolling on the ground, hysterical laughter, but I certainly did hear myself let out a chuckle. For my daughter had just had the pleasure of learning a very important life lesson...one that much to my mother's dismay, I had to wait 31 years to learn....karma is a bitch!!

Like selling a deep freeze to an Eskimo...

2010-09-24T21:28:00.002-06:00

   There is a phenomenon occurring among those of the female variety. I am referring to the "home party". No, I don't mean the "I wish I was twenty again, passed out in the corner while a dog licks strategically placed peanut butter off of my face" kind of party.  I am talking about the home shopping party. To those who are not familiar with the "home shopping party" (which will most surely be the men reading this), let me describe the process to you.
It starts with an invitation...most likely as a Facebook event posting. The invited guests vary from your closest friends to that chick you vaguely knew in high school but has somehow made onto your social network page. The group of women, which I affectionately refer to as the "prey", then proceed to congregate at a friend's house on a given date and time. This home owner is known as the "host" and has most likely spent countless hours cleaning their home and preparing several delicious snacks for the women to munch on in hopes that her "victims" will spend their money on a variety of interesting, but quite honestly, completely useless items which include things such as spices, makeup, candles, plastic containers and the always favorite, sexual "aids".
     The next step of the "home shopping party" is for the person who has coerced the "host" into having this little rendezvous (the sales consultant) to perform the well rehearsed sales pitch. The purpose being to convince the women, now bloated from salty snacks and shaking from caffeine consumption, into buying the selected products.  However, I use the term sales pitch in the loosest possible definition of the phrase. Yes, the products are "made of the highest quality materials", "better than those that can be purchased in any retail setting" and "life altering", but none of those points are remotely required to convince us women that we just have to have them. You see, that is the beauty (or the evil) and ingenuity of the home shopping party. It preys on many of the qualities that make us women. Gullibility, passive aggressiveness, an overwhelming desire to please, and our incessant need to shop. It really is like selling a deep freeze to an Eskimo...just with snacks afterwards.
     Please don't be offended if you are a consultant or have fallen into this trap, because trust me... I have attended and hosted more of these parties than I would even care to remember...although my drawers full of scented candles and dip mixes is an unwelcome and constant reminder. With all of that being said, you may be left wondering what the point of this little rant is. Well it is simple... I have always been a firm believer that as women, we are without a doubt smarter that the average man. However, until my husband confirms his attendance at his buddy's place to listen to a spiel about power tools, it is a possibility that my theory just might be flawed afterall.

Parenting technique #27 - Escalating Punishment.

2010-09-14T15:47:00.000-06:00

Something you might not now about me...I have a very quiet and introverted side. AS IF!! Seriously though, along with my job description as therapist, taxi driver, caterer, medical staff, referee, and now student...I am also a full time "hockey mom". I LOVE hockey!! So much so that I actually chose to go to Toronto and take in the hockey hall of fame and a game for my honeymoon. So the natural choice for an extracurricular activity for my kids, was of course hockey.

Now I know when you hear the words "hockey mom" a certain image may pop into your mind. I would like to make it clear that I am not that image. I do not stand in the bleachers screeching at my child to skate harder or yelling obscenities at the 12 year old referees. I save those actions for more appropriate settings like weddings and kid's birthday parties. I have allowed my children to make the choice to play hockey simply for the physical activity and for the lessons that I think playing a team sport can provide them. I especially do not suffer from grandeur delusions that my children will be the next hockey superstars, supporting me through my old age. Not because I don't believe that they are capable of this but because they have unfortunately inherited my complete and utter lack of grace and coordination. (Please refer back to my post "Did you ever hear the one about the blonde, the 2x4 and the office mat??)
Regardless of the fact that my sons have made this choice to play hockey with their own free will, that fact is not always on the forefront of their easily distractable minds. The other day it was time for my oldest son to get ready to go to a practice. Well it would be the understatement of the decade (that and damn, it was hot this summer!) to say he was not happy about this. You see he is addicted to the computer............................................................................................................................................ Sorry, I just had to take a quick break to check my facebook. Anyways, he absolutely did not want to go to hockey. This was not because he doesn't like it, but because he was so concerned with what he may possibly miss on Youtube, Roblox and lego.com while he was away. So what would you do in this situation?? If he hated hockey I would never force him to be there, but because I knew that he only wanted to stay home and remain in a vegetative state, we had to find a way for him to go that would not result in a future visit from children's services. Here is a little lesson in what I like to call the "Escalating Punishment" parenting tactic. The conversation went a little like this....
Mother: If you do not go to hockey, you will be grounded off the computer for the rest of the day.
Son: Whatever....
Father: Okay, you will be grounded off the computer for the whole weekend then.
Son: I don't want to go to hockey
MOTHER: Fine. Than you are grounded of the computer, Wii, and TV for the entire weekend. So now what are you going to do all day?
Son: I dunno...nothing then. I'm still not going.
Father: Okay then..you are grounded and you have to clean the entire basement by yourself
Son: Fine
Mother: (throbbing vein now visible on forehead) AND you are going to bed at seven on both nights!!
Son: but MOM!!!
Father: AAANNNDDD you can go outside and clean out the garage when you are done the basement. (okay seriously?? I don't even want to clean that hell hole)
Son: (now in tears by the way, because he knows he HAS to give in) FINE!! I'll go to stupid hockey...but I am not eating lunch!!
Success my friends!! Actually double success...he was going and I had one less meal to serve. That is how it is done. So off to hockey he went and guess what?? Yes!! He actually enjoyed himself. Even though he had been forced to using more coercion techniques than in an Guantanamo Bay prison interrogation, he had made the right choice in the end. Parents - 1 : Kids - 465 (it would have been 466...I'll take it where I can!!)

A new chapter...

2010-09-08T22:59:00.001-06:00

One thing I have learned about life is that one must change in order to adapt and keep ourselves from going crazy. I am not talking about changing diapers or out of my food covered clothes. Well today I made the biggest change that I have undergone in years...I served my kids lunch forty five minutes later than usual. No!! I am kidding of course! I started as a student at the Red Deer College to attain my Bsc in nursing degree. Contrary to the title of my little blog, I realize this may make me seem certifiably crazy, but I have definitely put alot of thought into this decision. Here are some of the reasons that I have chosen to partake in this new journey.
1. I love bodily functions...okay well maybe love is a bit of a stretch. But I am without a doubt totally accustomed to them. Vomit, feces, urine, spit...I have had them all on me, actually at the same time. And they are, sadly enough, the pretext to almost every conversation I seem to have. So why not get paid to have to deal with them on a daily basis.
2. I became aware the other day, as I watched my son scoff down his fourth egg for breakfast, that unless I find a way to generate a little more income in this house in the future, my kids will surely be suffering from scurvey by the time they reach their teen years.
3. I have three sons and a daughter that are suffering from what I like to call the "more courage than brains" syndrome. They will and have tried everything to fracture their bones and slice open any open flesh they may have. Knock on wood (which is apparently not nearly as hard as my children's skulls), they have yet to succeed in this venture to any serious degree. That being said however, unless my children are locked up in a padded room for the rest of their lives, they will undoubtably be in need of serious medical attention at some point in the future...and what a treat it will be for them to have their mother greet them at the ER when they do.
4. Medicine fascinates me. I have always thought that everything about it is awe inspiring. But as a mother I now have a new found sense of empathy and I can't think of a better profession that combines both of these. If not, I can at least learn how to insert a caffeine IV and a catheter. Imagine how much I could get done if I had a non stop stream of energy and never had to stop to pee!!
5. The last reason is the one that I struggle with a little. I have both chosen and been fortunate enough to have dedicated the last 10 years of my life to staying home and raising what I think are pretty great kids (contrary to what you may read about them). But now I feel like it is time for me a little. Selfish as that may seem, I want my kids to grow up and see that it is okay to pursue their dreams no matter what hurdles may stand in their way. Except for maybe in my son's case...his dream is to build an evil robot that takes over the world.

A summer survived

2010-08-31T13:58:00.009-06:00

Well my hand is calloused from sharpening pencils, my bank account has been wiped clean, and I am positive I am down to only a handful of firing neurons. What does all of this mean?? Yes, summer is officially over and it is time for back to school. It is funny how the longest two months of my life can seemingly pass in the blink of an eye. But minus a few extra wrinkles and some strained vocal chords, I have come out relatively unscathed.

This year we didn't actually take any elaborate summer holidays...but we did manage to fill our days with "fun" activities. This is just a few of the things that we did this summer.

Took a trip to the Calgary zoo. I love to go and take in the adorable animals in their not so natural habitats, plus it is a good lesson for my boys to see that even the elephant pen is cleaner and smells better than their bedroom.

A half a dozen trips to the beach. Any day where the temperature was above "luke warm" (which was a rarity this summer), I packed up all four kids and headed out to the local beach. This really is one of my favorite things to do in the summer but sadly it will probably take me until the next one to get all of the sand out of my house.

We ventured down to Discovery Canyon. For those who are not familiar with this place, it is a swimming area that is fed by a rushing stream that the kids can float down. I mean what could possibly go wrong while hyperactive boys ride a river with the current of the ocean, surrounded by slippery rocks?? That question would better be answered by my girlfriend's dentist unfortunately.

Freezing our wet buns off at the airshow

We took in the local Airshow and of course the zero percent chance of rain turned into what can only be described as a spewing from the sky. But even soaked to the bone, I watched in awe as the Snowbirds displayed their grace and beauty in the sky above us. My kids however, were more fascinated with the jet powered outhouse on the runway and just the outhouses in general. They seem to have this strange and somewhat troublesome fascination with bathrooms of any kind.

   We memorized almost every episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants which evidently comes on television more than Seinfeld reruns. Yes I know, TV is the devil (spending and hour watching the Bachelor Pad should be all the proof you need of this)....but you would be surprised how many life lessons there are to be learned from the pineapple under the sea. For instance, did you know that a squirrel with Bruce Lee like karate moves, can live under water?

  There were also trips to the Grandparents, ice cream runs (literally, I am extremely lactose intolerent.), pyjama days, and several outings to the park. In reflection, I guess we didn't do a whole lot this summer. But we did get to spend time as a family...a Malcolm in the Middle-like dysfunctional family, but a family nonetheless. So with a collective sigh from parents everywhere (except those who are green with envy that their kids don't start sooner), the kids head back to school tomorrow. And to those parents I say....here is to another summer survived!! Now if I can only survive hockey season....

Quite simply...help me!!

2010-08-26T13:10:00.002-06:00

Potty training. It is a toddlers "right of passage" so to speak, but also a true test in both sanity and patience amongst the parents. As the mother of four kids, it quite honestly feels like I have been potty training a child for most of my adult life. Well now I am attempting to do it again and it appears to me that I am failing, much to the delight of carpet cleaners everywhere.

All three of my boys took forever to train. It took at least a year to convince them that the toilet was not a giant monster waiting to swallow them whole....and another six months to get them to actually use it for anything other than washing their hair or grabbing a quick drink when they couldn't figure out the child proof knobs on my water cooler. But my last child left to train, is my girl. Everyone said that girls were way easier to teach to use the potty than boys and it turns out.....they are all bold face liars.

I have tried everything to get her to sit and pee on there. Treats, toys, bribes, threats (yes I said threats and just took a pause to allow all of the "perfect" mothers out there to gasp). I have even tried to appeal to my daughter's compassionate side trying to explain to her why her diapers are so bad for the environment (which is really a stretch considering I drive a suburban that I can't drive down the block without having to fill.) I have taken her out of pullups, which are really only designed for children that should be potty trained by now and can no longer fit into regular diapers. It turns out though, that when she is in underwear her belief is that the world really is her toilet. Seriously, my carpet is starting to resemble that in a college frat house. After training three kids you would think that I would have acquired the skills to accomplish this feat on my own...but I need help!! Sure the advice is plentiful...use cheerios in the toilet, try a potty training chart, books, dolls, even a potty training dance (which I think should be the next big night club craze), drink more wine... none of which have worked for me in the past (except for the wine thing). So for the sake of my sanity, my hairline and quite frankly my child's well being, please tell me what should I do?

No thanks required

2010-08-18T11:27:00.002-06:00

There really isn't anything I can think of that is better than being a mother. A good massage and a glass of red wine are a very close second, but can't quite compare to the love you experience from your children. While unconditional love is rampant in a mother-child relationship...gratitude on the other hand is pretty much non existent. I did get applauded that one time as I ran down the stairs towards them... or so I thought. Turns out it was my thighs slapping together underneath what can only be described as a moo-moo (yes, I own one...and I know you do too but just won't admit it.) As an adult, I can look back now and be extremely grateful for all that my parents did and did not do for me but unfortunately for my parents, my idea of gratitude was only kicking one hole in the wall at a time. On a side note and on the topic of gratitude...your welcome to all of the glass repairmen and drywaller's children that I helped put through college.... Here is my list of why being a mother is the MOST thankless job on the earth.
1. I spend on average 25 hours a week cooking or planning a meal....only to be wiping it off their butts the next day or cleaning it from their toilets and underwear....blech!
2. Although I pretty much have to remortgage my house every year to put them in hockey, all I ever get in the morning is complaining that they can't have donuts for breakfast on the way to the rink.
3. I spent almost four years of my life with severe sciatic nerve pain, waddling around like an over fed goose, and can no longer jump on a trampoline without having six extra pairs of underwear with me... but I can't have two seconds alone to myself now to even use the bathroom, if i make it there.
4. For the last couple years of my almost 4 year old's life I have lined up babysitters and juggled schedules to take him to speech therapy....only to be told off by his new found voice.
5. Rather than my kids thinking that I am the coolest Mom on earth because I am better at video games than any adult should be...they are just mad because I am cutting into their Wii time.
6. With a passion for cooking, I've have spent years perfecting my recipes and coming up with new interesting and delicious meals. Yet everytime I put a meal in front my kids, they look at me like I have just served them a poop sandwich. Apparently unless it starts with "D" and ends in "unkerroos" it isn't worth eating.
7. As a treat I will allow my oldest boys go out and buy themselves a new Lego set once and a while with their birthday and Christmas money. Their thanks to me is leaving it all over the floor for me to step on, trip over and swear profusely at. I actually have calluses shaped like Lego bricks on both of my feet.
8. As a thank you for distorting my body for several months into looking like I had swallowed a Volkswagen so they would have a place to grow and be nourished....they now point and laugh at my stomach commenting on how funny it looks when it jiggles.
9. I could spend hours planning an activity, craft, or game...and three seconds in they will ALWAYS start their sentence with "I'm bored."
10. Although I have endured 10 years of conversations that contain bad fart jokes (not even so much a joke as just farting noises), the words "pickle butt", or a variety grunting and moaning noises not unlike those coming from a caveman...I still, to this day, can't even have a one minute adult conversation with anyone without my kids sounding like they are being massacred in the background.

Although there is rarely the mutter of an actual thank you in my house...there is the occasional "You are the best mom ever" (not that they ever had another mother, but I'll take it), or "Mom..I love you to Pluto." With words like that combined with watching my kids flourish and grow, there is one thing I know for sure about motherhood....there is no thanks required.

Is it really the most wonderful time of the year?

2010-08-07T13:50:00.004-06:00

Tyson's first day of grade one, 2009

Getting your kids ready for the school year has become somewhat of a monumental task. Of course with a drawer full of jeans ripped at the knees, t-shirts that have been stained over the summer and the yearly "you grew how many inches?", it is mandatory for my kids to have at least a couple of new outfits. However it's the school supply lists that always have me in a fluster. Whomever comes up with these lists, I am positive must work for for a company that hawks school supplies. I like to get a jump on things every year because the last thing I want to be doing is wrestling with some crazy woman in the isles over the last box of crayons, so the other day I headed out to the local box store with my lists of what feels like a thousand "required" items ready to stock up for the impending school year.

When I arrive I notice that it seems most of the school supplies are already sold out. Seriously??? It is the beginning of August people! Trying to figure out if I have started too early or just waited too long, I pull out my lists and start shopping. Six white erasers... What the hell do my kids need six white erasers each for?? I am more than painfully aware that my children are prone to making mistakes, but aren't the pink erasers on the ends of the forty pencils you just bought for each of them good enough?? Red pens...for the mistakes that they didn't erase. Blue pens....in case they run out of pencils, even though I haven't gone through forty pencils in a lifetime of writing. Duotangs, crayons, pencil crayons, rulers, scissors, glue sticks...ooohhh the glue sticks. I need to purchase five large good quality glue sticks. These things are as big as a half of banana but unfortunately not nearly as cheap, and I need five of them?? Are the kids gluing back together the skeletal remains of a Brontosaurus? Next on the list a large bottle of white glue. WHAT?? I just bought five giant glue sticks??? Indoor shoes, lunch kits, pencil cases, back packs....well duh?? How else are they going to carry their thirty pounds of supplies to school on the first day? My favorite part of list however is at the end, after the list of supplies. It simply says "scribblers will be provided free of charge." Well thank goodness !! That will surely save me dozens of cents and precious seconds of my time!! Its like going to a restaurant where each entree costs fifty bucks and the waiter says to you...."the bread is on us."
Finally I am done. Everything is purchased and paid for. Time to go home and relax. I wish!! Because if it isn't bad enough you have to buy all of this stuff....you then have to go home and proceed to sharpen each and every pencil and pencil crayon, and then label everything. Literally, I mean EVERYTHING. Each individual crayon, pencil, eraser, glue stick, crayon, ruler and pen must bear your child's initials. Okay, I get labelling the big stuff. But if each kid has forty pencils, crayons, and glue sticks....is it really going to matter if one or two of them end up in the wrong desk??
So next time you are watching a commercial on your television and you see a man skipping through a store while shopping for school supplies, all to the tune of "It's the most wonderful time of the year", remember this...First, this guy is getting paid by the box store that just duped us for hundreds of dollars on school supplies... and second, he is most likely high on the aroma coming out of his cart full of glue sticks...or maybe he was just delusional with excitement over the free scribblers.

Farewell to a matriarch

2010-08-03T17:20:00.003-06:00

Today is a very bitter sweet day. I found out this morning that my Grandmother passed peacefully in her sleep last night at the age of 92. My Grandma always had a passion for life but struggled in the last few years to maintain her independence and enjoy the things she loved. She was ready to move on, and although that is also what we wanted for her, my heart is still swelling with sorrow to think that she is actually gone. But as many do when the lose a loved one, it is a good time to sit and reflect on what an amazing women she was and what she really did mean to me.

My grandma really was a matriarch in every sense of the word and my mind and heart are filled with memories of the time I was so fortunate to spend with her. Fishing was her life long passion and I don't mean passion like you see on the Bachelor....I mean she lived to fish. Even when she became too frail to actually fish herself she would still head out on the lake with her buddies and watch them do it or listen to their fishing tales when they would come to visit. It didn't matter if it was 30 degrees above zero or 30 degrees below, you could always find her out on the lake hauling in dinner. In fact she loved to fish so much that she has chosen to have her ashes placed at a lake she frequented....instead of next to my grandfather. However, I find it fitting that she spent her entire life trying to bait the fish and now she, in a sense will become fish food herself. She definitely passed on her love of fishing to me (along with her fabulous fried fish recipe). I don't have the time to sit out on the lake like I use to, but to this day, there is not much I find more serene and peaceful than sitting in a boat and dangling a hook out into the open water waiting for a nibble. I recall a plaque that she had hung above her bed in her nursing home. It said "every hour spent fishing adds an hour to your life." Which might explain why she lived to be the age she was.

Another fond memory I have of my Grandmother was picking berries with her. Looking back, I never quite understood why you would want to spend hours bent over in a bear infested forest to pick something you could just go to the local supermarket and buy. And I am still convinced to this day that she would have beaten down a bear with her bare hands if it had ever come between her and her precious blueberries. I guess, in retrospect though, it wasn't so much the act itself but the time spent doing it and the people she did it with that she enjoyed so much.

Last but not least, my Grandmother LOVED bingo. She could literally sit there and play an entire table full of cards, her bingo dabber moving faster than the naked eye could even see and she did this all while she knitted a pair of slippers or a blanket. If bingo had ever made it as an Olympic sport she would have surely held the record for most consecutive gold medals.

Anyone who knew my Grandmother would tell you one thing....damn she was stubborn!! This is a trait that unfortunately for my and my mother's husband, is passed down in the women of our family and seems to only intensify with each generation. Her sister is exactly the same way and we always joked that the reason that both of them were still on this earth was because they were just so determined to outlive each other. Her stubbornness, although annoying to deal with at times, is what got her through several bouts with cancer, severe injuries and every other life threatening illness she faced in her last years.

I guess when I look back now at the passions she had in life, I can see a common theme. Everything she loved to do revolved around patience....waiting for a fish to bite, picking an ice cream pail full of berries one small morsel at a time, and sitting and hoping to fill in a line or a card with bingo dabber circles. In a life which is now full of convenience and a sense of urgency, it is a good lesson to remember that sometimes time spent apparently wasted is not necessarily a waste of time at all. I am thankful for both her innate stubbornness and the patience she exhibited because that is what kept her here and allowed me the honor of having her be a part of my life for the last 34 years. Wherever she is now I am undoubtedly sure that the fish are always biting, the berries are big and bountiful, and the bingo game never ends. I love you Grandma and I will miss you dearly!!

Do you want nice things?? Or do you want kids???

2010-07-26T23:41:00.005-06:00

I remember a conversation I had with a friend while pregnant with my first child. We were discussing the damage that her children had done to her home and I believe in my naivity and ignorance my response to my husband was "Well our kid won't be allowed to wreck OUR stuff." HA!! I couldn't have been more wrong than if I had predicted that Vanilla Ice's career would last for a decade. The fact is without covering my entire house in plastic or duct taping my kids to the wall, things have and will continue to be destroyed in my house. The list is as long as Ron Jeremy's...well ummm...movie resume. So rather than trying to explain the damage hurricane Posti has bestowed upon my home, let me show you.

This is a mark left in my carpet by an iron in the hands of a curious two year old. He went downstairs, found it ( keep in mind I don't iron anything), plugged it in and let the melting begin. The carpet was only three weeks old at the time. It is however, a great conversational piece or a wonderful distraction from the fifty other stains my carpet now holds... such as the lipstick ones as pictured on the right.

One of the drawers in my oldest kids bedrooms. For some reason they needed a "step" to get up on their bed that is 2 feet off the ground.

One of literally hundreds of the kid's art pieces left on my walls. This one is in crayon though, which does not come off without removing the paint. The older boys tried to blame this one on the toddlers, not realizing how quickly I would pick up on the fact that the little ones can not spell. The one on the right was the toddlers and was done in permenant felt which just for the record were not purchased by me. If I had to choose between having permanent felts and anthrax in my home, I would choose the latter without even batting an eyelash.

This damage was done to the wall with a chair. Apparently a spinning recliner is just about as much fun as Disneyland itself.

This is my brand new TV cabinet with the door busted clean off. Notice how it isn't even broken at the hinges but clean across the wood. This was done by my darling daughter with her hulk like tenacity and strength.

The border in my livingroom. Kid's just love to pick!!! Their noses, their scabs, on each other and at wall paper.

These pictures are really only a small fraction of the stuff that my children have damaged. This is why after a short discussion we have decided that we will live in this house until it is delapitated, covered head to toe in dents and felt marker and our furniture looks like we picked it up off the side of the road. Before we know it, the kids will be grown and will be off wrecking our vehicles instead and then we can begin the monumental task of renovating and repairing the damage that has been done. Or....we can cover our floors in striker pads and tie matches to my dog's feet while we take a vacation.

Isn't it ironic??

2010-07-20T21:51:00.001-06:00

     I realize that "money" doesn't make the world go around and certainly does not buy happiness (although I would be more than willing to test that theory for myself), but life, especially with a family, costs money. My question is....when the hell did it become soooo expensive?? In today's day and age it sometimes feels like even the most simple things like bread, cheese and even half decent toilet paper have become a luxury purchase.  We all know that we need to eat more fruits and vegetables but a tomato (yes a tomato) costs the same amount as a small cheeseburger. We are suppose to eat more organic now, but apparently animals that aren't full of hormones and pesticides cost more a pound than a senator's call girl. Tap water that is full of various negative ions is "terrible" for you...so here have some that has been filtered, placed in a bottle made of, you guessed it, chemicals, and pay more a litre for it than gasoline costs. Seriously, even Alanis Morrisette herself, who obviously has no grasp of what the word ironic means...can see the irony in that.
As if the groceries aren't enough of an expense, than there is the other necessities. Owning a house is incredibly expensive and the worse part is that as adults, we have to be away from our homes several hours a week in order to even be able to have one. And clothing....OMG!!! It seriously costs a fortune to clothe my children. I find it more disturbing than the fact that "The Bachelor" is in it's 14th season that some poor child in some third world country can make a living off a few dollars a day to make a shirt that my husband only needs to work a half hour to pay for, and yet we still can't seem to find away to make that dollar stretch.  Transportation is also a huge expense. Now I realize we all don't need to drive brand new, gas guzzling SUV's, or that I could even take public transportation, but the fact is...I need a vehicle to drive my kids to all of their overpriced sports programs so they can get their mandatory "physical activity". Seriously, how would I ever take four kids, two hockey bags and my five dollar latte on the bus at six am in the morning.
   Last but certainly not least there are the expenses incurred for so called "future planning". After the ridiculous cost of a combination of school supplies, new school clothes, back packs and lunch fees, we still have to find enough left to put away just in case my children decide to go on to further their education. So let me get this straight?? Essentially we are saving money to allow, or should I say force, our children to remain in our homes 4-6 years longer than necessary. By the time they go to to college the money we have put away for them will probably just scrape the surface of their tuition costs, so the only way for them to even contemplate post secondary education would be for them to do it from under our roof while they eat our food (which at age 18 would probably be the equivalent of two organic cows a week.) And at the end of the day...we put what ever is left (and trust me, it isn't much) into planning for our own futures...whether it be RRSPs, stocks or bonds. All I can hope, is that with the stresses of making ends meet, working like dogs, and our kids living with us until God knows when....we are still around and sane and healthy enough to enjoy it. I guess that why we should keep eating all of those organic fruits and vegetables!

Got Milk???

2010-07-16T17:19:00.002-06:00

It is no secret to anyone who reads my blog or anyone who know my kids, that they LOVE getting into everything. I never had to really take any measures to "childproof the house" when my oldest boys were growing up. For some reason, their curiosity rarely lead them into the cupboards, fridge and toilets. Now, however, my house is literally like Fort Knox. Cupboard locks, hotel latches on the front door, plastic locks on the fish tank, outlet covers, door handle covers to keep my toddlers in place at night, and most importantly, a fridge lock. My two and three year old are more obsessed with the refrigerator than the Maytag man himself, or should I say, they are obsessed with the contents of the refrigerator. This is why my my carpets resemble a grocery store after a tornado. They are stained and splattered with condiments, raw eggs, juices, jams and milk in every flavour and percentage of fat content.

Similar to how my Suburban automatically turns straight into every gas station it passes, my toddlers will head straight for the fridge any time I turn my back, even for a second. Normally I am in close enough proximity that I can stop the carnage before it reaches disastrous proportions, but the other night my three year old son did something that even surprised me...Sometime in the hours of early dawn, while we all slept the dead sleep in our beds, he left his bedroom. And with the stealth of a ninja, the ingenious of Houdini, and the mischievous nature of a teenage boy, he proceeded to head straight for the fridge and grabbed a brand new two litre of chocolate milk (yes, of course it had to be the chocolate one). He then proceeded to march himself, and of course his coveted container of milk, straight to the basement, opening it and pouring the entire container of it all over my carpet. Yes....this is what me and my husband woke up to...and not only did I have to deal with his new "natural art" masterpiece in the basement, but I also now had to deal with his lack of sleep from his pre-dawn shenanigans. The lessons of this terrible tale are this....one; if you are going to have kids, it would be in your best interest to purchase stocks in both a paper towel company and Oxyclean. Two ; if you can afford it, wall to wall hardwood would be ideal, although I am pretty sure that children could still find a way to stain it. And last but not least; companies who design child proof locks for anything, NEVER took into effect the stubborn and persistent nature of a toddler's mind. These items only act to annoy the adults that come in contact with them. So save your money...duct tape is alot cheaper and way more effective.

Another day, another wrinkle...

2010-07-12T13:19:00.007-06:00

Well it is that time of year again....my birthday. Yes today I turn 29...and if you actually believe that, please email me because I would LOVE to add you to my "friends" list. I love birthdays!! I mean, I still have loads of laundry to do, meals to cook, butts to wipe, and my kids are still complaining just like any other day, but to me it is a time to reflect on the past, my accomplishments and failures and a day to count my blessings. Yes, I realize you should live everyday counting your blessings.....but let's be honest....there are days that I don't even have time to brush my teeth (okay blessing number one...no cavities, regardless of that previous embarrassing tidbit of information). There are the the little things in life that I am thankful for...caffeine, wonder bras, sham wows, oxyclean, music, red wine, wrinkle cream or the fact that the bite that my daughter just gave me to my thigh, didn't draw blood (have you seen the price of band-aids now a days?) And then there are the bigger things that I am thankful for....

I am thankful to have four beautiful, and healthy kids. As stressful and chaotic as it is at times, I love having a large family. The kids always have someone to play (and fight) with...not to mention that the fact that my daughter having three older, slightly crazy brothers will save me and my husband a tonne of time worrying about boyfriends in the future and hundreds of dollars for not having to purchase a shot gun.

I am thankful to have a beautiful home to live in. Yes my garage is about to collapse in my yard, part of my back fence is constructed from graffitied OSB and the inside is "decorated" in various shades of crayon and felt, the carpets are stained, and there isn't a wall that isn't scratched or dented. But it is always full of love and laughter...ummm, except for maybe when I am screaming..of course in a very loving way :)

I am thankful to have had the resiliency and will power to have lost 75 pounds and kept it off the last year. So regardless of my "Shar-pei" like stomach (see picture on right), and "longish" chest, that was apparently all being held firm by cheeseburgers and potato chips, this is one of the proudest accomplishments in my life. Oh yeah, I am also extremely thankful for any plastic surgeon who may stumble across this and offer me a tummy tuck and a breast lift.....(come on, it worked for Kate Gosselin.)

I am incredibly thankful for my friends and family. My husband, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, all friends new and old. Forget about the laughter....without them I would surely be in the nuthouse.
Mostly though, another birthday means that I have survived yet another year. The whining, the laughter, the messes, the wrinkles, the joy....it is all possible because I am on this earth to experience it. So here is to another year of mental health amongst the insanity, tears and joy, laughter and living!!

Life's a beach

2010-07-10T19:48:00.003-06:00

As a child I spent endless hours frolicking in the water. I love the water so much in fact that I am convinced that in my past life I was a fish. My children have definitely inherited this love from me (along with my attitude, bull horn like loudness, and innate love for potato chips), so it is not surprising that one of their favorite summertime activities is the beach. For those who think I am insane for taking four kids to a crowded public place on my own....well you are completely justified in this belief. However, my attitude on having a larger than "normal" family has always been steadfast...why shouldn't my kids get to experience everything that life has to offer just because there is so many of them? So taking advantage of one of the few hot days we have had this summer, it was time to brave the masses and head out for a day of sand, sun and swimming.

It literally took me two hours to pack up and get ready for our trip. Beach chairs, sand toys, swim diapers, regular diapers, wipes, sunblock, snacks, towels, extra clothes, hats, umbrellas, drinks, camera, etc, etc... Well actually it took me about an hour and a half, but there was an incident with a four litre bottle of chocolate milk and my daughter's attempt to shower in it that took another half an hour to clean up. Finally, after a twenty minute drive (which coincidentally is the perfect amount of time for my toddlers to fall asleep for five minutes, ruining any chance of a nap later in the day ), we arrive. The kids scatter instantly.....like dropping a hand full of ball bearings on the ground. It is virtually IMPOSSIBLE to keep track of four children on a crowded beach. Every kid there is wearing the same thing, they are all covered in sand, looking like little drown rats and I am convinced that there is some sort of unspoken rule amongst them that they are never to be in the same place at the same time. So short of dressing them all in fluorescent one piece jumpsuits and tying them together, it is to be expected that I will lose sight of one or two of the kids on average, twenty five times an hour.

Three hours of swimming, snacking and sandcastle building later, my daughter's swim diaper is now hanging precariously close to her knees....okay quick rant (yeah, as if you didn't know that was coming). What is deal with those swim diapers anyways?? They don't hold anything in, or any of the sand out and really only serve the purpose of another place to put one of Disney's lovable, orphaned characters. Anyways, I digress... My children now have sand in every crevice (literally...even their colons have been exfoliated at this point), their faces are flushed with heat and my daughter has decided that every toy on the beach that isn't hers should be. Yes, it is time to head home. Three trips of hauling crap back to the truck later, I sit my newly burned tush (yes, I realize now that it was in extremely poor judgment not to sunscreen what is surely the whitest part of my body) into the truck and look back at my kids. Sure the fresh air, the water, the sand, they are all wonderful things....but the true beauty of the beach is that it can accomplish what I am sure that even the Energizer bunny himself could not....my kids are worn out. No energy left to scream or cry, tell ridiculous knock knock jokes that don't make sense, fight with each other....just twenty minutes of quiet the whole way home.... and that is definitely worth all of the burned butts and sand enemas in the world.

Anatomy of a Nervous Breakdown

2010-07-05T21:21:00.007-06:00

     Today was one of those kind of days. You know the ones... where everything is going so terribly wrong that you are just praying that while you are checking your mailbox for what you hope is a free Xanax sample, you will most likely be struck by a stray piece of airplane poop and rendered a vegetable. Well here is what a day like that looks like in a nutshell.

About 10:30 am    "Damon do you have to go pee?" "Nope Mommy"
10:32                     "Damon where are your pants" "My peed mommy"
Run upstairs to put him on the potty and pass my bedroom. Stopped briefly to remove the cheese grater, electric kettle, and pot off of my bed (yes, without even batting an eyelash). Proceed to put new pants and underwear on my toddler.  As I am coming downstairs step in a puddle of yogurt (do you know how much yogurt it takes to actually make a puddle?) Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning....
11:30                     "Mom....my yucky".......and there sure was crap down both her legs and up her back right to her neck.
12:30                     "Morgan and Damon!! Sit down and eat your lunch!" "No lunch Mommy" they scream as they run away from me.
12:35                     "Mommy.....my want snack", followed by a ten minute tantrum because I wouldn't give them one.
1:30                       Ahhh, quiet!! I can't believe BOTH toddlers are napping!! Time to sit for a bit and have a little "me" time.
1:32                       "Moooooommmm!!! Justin punched me in the throat!" "Well Tyson kicked me in the privates first."
2:30                        Onto my fifth load of laundry for the day. Cleaning and folding, cleaning and folding.....
4.00                        Start making supper.
4:15                       "Mooooommmm!!! The babies are squeezing mustard all over Morgan's room."
Cleaning and crying, cleaning and crying....
4:30                        Front door slams...."Mooommmmm!!! Devo just ran away!!" So now I am chasing my dog down the street while my supper cooks and my mustard stains soak. The strange thing is, he actually came back to me (which NEVER happens) because I am sure even he knew I was on the verge of cracking.
4:45                        Beep!! Ohhh goodie a text from a real live adult.......honey, it's me....gotta work late tonight. OMG!!!
5:30                        "Morgan put down that gun and eat your supper!" (of course it was a toy gun....nobody would give a person in my mental state an actual gun license)
                                "Damon get back in your chair!!"
                                "Mooooommmmm!!!!" "What Tyson??"
                                "Morgan put down that stick!!!""
                                "MooooooooMMMMMM!!!! "WHat Tyson??!!"
                                "MORGAN GET BACK IN YOUR CHAIR!!!!"
                                "MOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!" "WHAT TYSON???" Oohh this better be good....
                                "Can I have a pacman costume???"
7:00                         Kids set up for a movie, popcorn is ready and my favorite bottle of wine waiting anxiously for me on the counter......I feel like I can breathe again
7:05                        THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.........no this is not me banging my head against the wall.......I just tripped on a toy on the top step, carrying two bowls of popcorn, tumbling down the entire flight of stairs and throwing out my back. "Moooommmm!!! You spilled the popcorn!!!" Are you kidding me???
7:30                         Pop.....ahhhhh.   Yes, that is my wine opening.....so, no nervous breakdown today.....but there is always tomorrow.

Happy Campers???

2010-07-04T20:59:00.002-06:00

Whomever coined the term "happy camper" either did their camping at the local Hilton or never had small children. I know what you are all thinking...what wouldn't be fun about living in a very small, confined space without the comforts of home and with four kids? Well, just like our girlish figures and our once taut bladders, as mothers, we are willing to sacrifice pretty much anything for our children, and camping my friends, is pretty much the epitome of sacrifice.

     So with camping season now upon us, we loaded up the kids, dog and trailer and headed out for a weekend of family, fires and a complete disregard for personal hygiene. Which brings me to my next point....the things I hate about camping, one of them being the filth....you are just so dirty all of the time. I mean, I am by no means a princess (understatement of the year I am sure), but when you have to chip the clothes off of yours and your kids' bodies at the end of day two or three...it starts to get a little disgusting. I also hate the food. Actually I really love the food, which is the problem. There are never ending bags of chips, pepperoni, jerky, chocolate, trail mix, bacon, and that is just for breakfast people. Although, there is something about the taste of a wiener cooked over a fire that makes you temporarily forget that you are eating a tube full of nitrates and various animal parts.   And then, there are the sleeping arrangements....arghh. The fresh air makes all of the kids sleep well, but the problem is the little ones don't always stay sleeping. And when they wake up in a strange place in the dark, well you might as well just set off a siren in a 10 by 10 aluminum box......it WILL wake up everyone in the trailer. If, by the grace of God, you are able to sleep through an entire night, you do it on a paper thin mattress, half the size of your one at home (and that doesn't even take into effect your newly expanding butt from your recent junk food indulgence), and in my case with a dog which is most likely covered in some sort of crap or dead animal they happened to find nearby.   Needless to say, a good nights sleep out camping is about as rare as the steak you just cooked over the fire.
     If it sounds like I am complaining, well it is because I am. However, there are some wonderful things about camping that make it all worth while. I love the fact that me and my kids are completely unplugged (with the exception of the odd peek at the Blackberry...please don't tell my kids I can access the Internet from it.) In a day and age of DSs, computers and television, it is nice to see that my kids do actually have an imagination....and boy do they ever. Games of Mantracker, storm chasers, burn the cup in the fire....it runs the gammit. I also enjoy the company when you are camping.  I am not sure if it is the lack of outside distractions or maybe the inevitable liquor consumption, but I am convinced that some of the greatest conversations I have ever had in my life have occurred around a campfire. Which leads me to my number one favorite thing about camping....I LOVE campfires. Sure you smell disgusting the next day....but there is something magical about fire. Watching it dance in the breeze while I sit under a sky full of stars brings me a real sense of peace and calmness, which in a life of four kids, is pretty much worth sacrificing anything for.

Summertime is here

2010-06-29T10:35:00.004-06:00

Ahhhhh....it is officially summertime. Sunshine, beach days, camping and picnics. I love the summer...but probably not for all of the same reasons that you would think I do. I mean sure....the sunshine and warm nights play a part of it, but summer means so much more to me as a mother of four.

1. My older boys no longer are required to wear socks everyday....no more hunting for a matching sock for every pair...yay!!!

2. The days are warm enough now that my children can wear shorts everyday. This means I no longer have to take my kids out in their "hobo chic" apparel since every pair of pants they own are ripped at the knees by June.

3. I love to BBQ. The flavor is delicious and I am more than willing to risk eating carcinogenic coated meat products if it means I don't have to wash a frying pan after.

4. Camping. There is alot of prep and work involved in going camping...however, it is the only time that all of the surrounding kids have faces as dirty as mine always are.

5. Outside water fun. You can seriously entertain a child ALL day if you just turn a sprinkler on. Not to mention you won't have to participate in "the witching hour" later, also know as bath time in our house.

6. Potty training a boy in the summer is easier. At the risk of sounding like a hillbilly, teaching your son to pee outside is a very effective potty training method and will provide hours of laughter and humiliation in public places for years to come.
7. Sleeping in!!! Now with school out the kids don't have to get up at the crack of dawn!.........Just kidding! My toddlers totally missed this memo.
The best part about summer though, is having my boys home everyday (no I am not medicated right now). If you can get past hearing "I'm bored" a hundred times day and refereeing a new fight every 10.6 seconds...they are actually kind of helpful to have around. So, I guess the only real complaint I have about the summer is....it doesn't end a month sooner.

OH MY DOG!!!!

2010-06-25T11:02:00.001-06:00

For those of you who know me, I probably don't even need to explain further than the title....but for those who don't....I am a pet owner. I don't mean just any pet....His name is Devo (which turns out is not a coincidence that is very similar to Devil.) and even with four young children, this dog is EASILY the biggest cause of stress in my life. Now don't get me wrong, I am a huge animal lover. Or at least I used to be before my dog's 10 year reign of terror began. I realize that anyone with a dog has similar complaints; too much hair in the house, you can't leave them alone, they sometimes don't listen etc, etc, etc. My dog however, without any exaggeration, is the most troubled, neurotic, disturbed and annoying animal that has ever set foot on this earth.
First and foremost.....he is a barker, through and through. Short of removing his vocal chords, we have tried everything to curb it. I don't mean he barks at cats, or the mailman.....he simply just barks at nothing. He will run out to the back yard, and similar to a bucking bronco, he just barks and spins, barks and spins, for hours on end, all at the same spot on the grass. On the bright side, the bylaw officer is very friendly and we are now on a first name basis.
Second....Devo, is obsessed with water, and I mean OBSESSED!! As of yesterday he has now destroyed the sixth toilet seat in our main bathroom. He literally dives in the toilet as it is being flushed (yes..urine and all), and than with what can only be described as hot, white anger, proceeds to attack the seat. Normally we have to replace it to avoid a lawsuit due to splinters in our guests butts, but yesterday....he was angrier than usual at that inanimate, harmless piece of plastic, and bit it so hard he busted the hinges right off it. Notice the teeth marks in the picture.
And then, there is the metal.....Devo's eternal enemy. It is a small square of solid metal that sits atop a drain hole on the floor of the laundry room, keeping me from breaking my ankle in it. The full extent of Devo's contempt for this piece of metal, can't even be described in words. So I have included a little video so you can picture it. I know you might be laughing...but can you imagine having to listen to this everyday?

Also on the list of Devo's MANY neurotic tendencies are ; cannot use the words bath, water bath, or cookie around him without him transforming into a vibrating ball of terror; his obsession (and sheer lack of brains) with moving car tires; windshield washers, he will attempt to attack them through the windshield with every movement they make; and feet....OMG he hates feet. If you put a foot anywhere near him he will become very unhappy. The unfortunate reality is that this is only a taste of all that is wrong with that dog...trust me, I'd be here all day typing if I listed them all.

So why do we still have this little bundle of joy as part of our family? Well first of all, I don't own a gun (geeze people, I'm only kidding....sort of) He also great for expanding my vocabulary....I am now able to use curse words in combinations that even a sailor couldn't dream up. More importantly though, he is part of the family. The kids love him and he does have a softer, cuddly side that can be seen every so often. Actually, after reading this over to edit it, and watching the video, not to mention the sound of my dog barking in the background, I have changed my mind......first person here, takes him!!!

You said WHAT about my kids??

2010-06-23T22:20:00.002-06:00

Today, began like every average day. A mad dash to shove breakfast down my kids' throats and get them out the door to school. Followed by a forty minute struggle (I use that word lightly, it is more reminiscent of wrangling an angry steer) to get my son to wear a pair of pants and get my daughter to brush her teeth, all while trying to ingest enough caffeine just to tie me over until noon. But you see today was not just any day....it was grocery shopping day. So with the bags under my eyes somewhat concealed in makeup and my two anxious toddlers in tow, we were off to the local supermarket. Grocery shopping, although a necessity (that's what happens people, when you get your kids hooked on food), is not usually a pleasant experience. The list of disasters that can occur in an enclosed public place with two rambunctious children could put the year 2012 to shame. Over the years I have endured several tantrums, broken jars, many disapproving looks and the occasional potty break in the middle of isle four, so I am always prepped both physically and mentally for the task at hand.
We started at one end for the staple in our house, diapers (sorry David Suzuki....but yes, I use disposables,) and began working our way to the other side of the store. Isle four comes and the kids are getting restless and want out of the cart. Realizing that leaving them in there for another minute would result on a Chernoble type meltdown I succumbed to their wishes and let them follow me on foot....knowing the whole time that this decision would surely come back to haunt me.
We make it through the entire store, three hundred dollars worth of groceries precariously balanced on the cart, to the checkout isle, or as I like to refer to it, the tantrum isle. Seriously...why on earth would an establishment ever line the last place in the store with goodies such as gum and chocolate, within a child's reach?? Is it just a great marketing ploy or a stark reminder for parents to get their anti anxiety prescriptions refilled at the in house pharmacy?? Anyways, I digress....my children, like two horses with blinders, walk right past the isle of tasty treats, to the end of the checkout belt and ask (yes, I said ask) to go back into the cart. It was as about as close to Divine intervention as I ever think I'll experience!! Just as I am about to leave the store this lady stops me and says "Excuse me dear.....but I just wanted to say that I think your children are two of the best behaved little children I have ever seen." My head was spinning like a scene from the Exorcist and all I could think about was grabbing my Blackberry and making her repeat it into the voice recorder. But instead I just thanked her, looked down at my two smiling sweethearts and carried on my way. That's the thing about parenting...you spend alot of time wondering what the heck you did wrong....not enough discipline, not putting your foot down, etc, etc. But there is that one moment, every so often ,when you are reassured that you might just be doing something right....and even if it comes in the form of an elderly lady at the supermarket...I will take it.

The Tantrum.

2010-06-22T11:54:00.001-06:00

Ahhh, the tantrum. Just to hear this word sends shivers up my spine and makes that one vein in my forehead begin to bulge. Those who are parents, are more than aware of this childhood phenomenon, which next to potty training may just be one of the most difficult aspects of raising a toddler.

Tantrums come in many shapes and sizes, varying in intensity, length and annoyance factor. There is the mild tantrum; sometimes characterized by a foot stomp, a few mild screams, pouting or whining, and the odd tear. In this state, the child can still be easily distracted by a offering of a treat or by turning on their favorite TV show. And yes, I am aware that bribery should not be used in this situation, so I politely decline my nomination for "mother of the year", 2010.

Then we have the other end of the spectrum..... I refer to it as the F5 tantrum, but it is also sometimes known as the perfect storm or the "Can you make it a double?" tantrum. The causes of the F5 tantrum range from; the child REALLY wants something they can't have (usually something dangerous or completely unattainable like a knife or a pony) to the more vague; like the sky is blue or the day ends in Y. Some (but by no means all) of the characteristics of this magnitude of tantrum are ; blood curdling screams (like you are pulling off their toenails one by one) ; flailing of the legs and arms without any regard for your safety or the safety of the surrounding unsuspecting bystanders (this is why Dads should always hold a child in this state well above the waistline) ; and fluids, including uncontrollable running of the nose, frothing of the mouth and an endless stream of tears.

Now, if you ever find yourself (and you will no matter how "well behaved" you think your child is) in the midst of this behaviour, which coincidentally always seems to occur in a well occupied public place, you must remember the following things.
1. Under no circumstances do you negotiate with the child. There is NO amount of ice cream, free toys, candy, or other forms of bribery that will ever diffuse this situation. In fact it will probably make it worse because whatever you attempt to give this child, will most likely end up in your face.
2. Just get out as fast you can from any public view. This is for a couple of reasons. The first is that you absolutely can not lose your temper with a child anymore in public with out somebody rushing to call Child Protective Services. I am by no means advocating harming your child...but you can't even give them a small smack on the butt or a few harsh words. Not like in the "good ole days" where parents use to carry butt whacking paraphernalia in their back pockets or purses. The other reason it is important to remove yourself and the child from the public eye is to avoid any fights with the general public. You may be the sweetest, kindest, well mannered person on earth.....but when your child has been screaming for ten minutes straight and behind you, you hear out of your one remaining good ear "ugh, my child would NEVER behave like that"......you WILL call them a name that most likely begins withe the letters "B" or "F", or even more likely, a combination of both.
3. The third thing we need to remember as parents, and I think this is the most important... Once this demonic possession has ran it's course, and you finally get to sit back later in the day exhausted from the events....it is okay, encouraged even, to enjoy an extra glass of wine or spirit. Just be careful not to over indulge too much though, or you might become part of the next generation of parents who "don't remember their kids ever behaving that way."

This blog is based "not so loosely" on the events which transpired Saturday morning with my daughter in a VERY crowded outdoor market.

Happy Fathers Day...an ode to Dad's

2010-06-19T15:28:00.014-06:00

It is that time a year again....Father's Day!! So here is a little poem I wrote for all of the dads out there! Thanks to the Dad's for all that you do!

A father is just so much more than a Dad
More than a harsh glance or stern words when we’re bad
He is soccer and dance or hockey at dawn
Fixing our bikes and mowing the lawn

Wrestling and tickling and horsey back rides
And when we are fighting he’d never pick sides
He will build you a castle or be buried in sand
But when times are tough he’s a soft place to land

He kisses the bumps and the scrapes on our heads
And chases the monsters from under our beds
Giggles and laughs when we burp or we fart
And dries our sad eyes from our first broken heart

So this is a poem for all the fathers I know
Thanks for the patience and helping us grow
Not just with food, or water or air
But also with love, compassion and care

Happy Father's Day Jason, Jim and Dad!!

Careful What You Wish For...

2010-06-18T09:24:00.007-06:00

Everybody, at least once and a while, finds themselves wishing for something. That's why we have birthday candles and falling stars. My wish is simple....make it stop raining. For what seems like a month straight, the rain has continued to fall here in Red Deer. Now I realize that the farmers, the grass, and our overpriced flower baskets all require the rain....but it also means that my two toddlers, similar to caged animals at the zoo, have been trapped in the house for what feels like an eternity.

Well yesterday, my wish was granted!!!! The rain had finally stopped and the collective sigh of mothers everywhere was as deafening as the horns at the world cup of soccer. So without any hesitation, I threw on my kids' boots and sent them in the yard to play. With my kids now outdoors enjoying their new found freedom, it was time to play catchup in the house that had kept them captive for so long. I happily replaced the sounds of Treehouse with some music and started to clean (I use the word started loosely, as this would lead one to believe that I had ever really finished in the first place.) Glancing outside, I was struck by how adorable they looked in the sandbox and decided it was a great picture opportunity, because honestly, anytime they aren't fighting or covered in some sort of food is worth remembering. I reached for the camera and realized it was missing. Assuming that my older boys had "borrowed" it to video tape their ongoing saga of Lego Wars, I began the search and after about fifteen minutes, it became apparent that the camera was nowhere to be found.

Now if you aren't aware of how a caged animal behaves when they escape captivity....a quick google search of Mr Roy's throat, from the magic duo Siegfried and Roy should enlighten you. This, combined with the fact that my "lovely" children had now been unattended for an extended period of time was sure to spell disaster....and disaster it was!! There they were outside, my son smashing my solar lights like a crazed lunatic, and my daughter doing her best impression of Godzilla on a small village through my coveted flower bed. " What are you guys doing?? Why can't you just stay out of my stuff and play with your toys in the sandbox???"......which apparently......wait for it......yes....is my camera. There it was, just barely peaking out amongst the cars and shovels, buried in a pile of rain soaked sand, and rendered completely unusable. Now, my only wish is.... for a new camera.

When did average become....well, below average??

2010-06-16T14:06:00.007-06:00

As a mother we are all biased towards our own children. We think that each and every one of them are the cutest, brightest, fastest, best at sports, etc, etc. Even as I sit here and type this, watching my child eat sand out of the sand box, I am still inclined to believe this. But now, as a mother, I wonder to myself when did average become below average??? We all know or have had a run in with one of those mothers.....you know the one; the mother whose daughter could translate a quantum physics equation by eight months, or whose son would most likely find the cure for cancer by age six. Don't get me wrong....I believe it is important for us to have goals and dreams for our children. I mean none of us as parents would ever be caught dead uttering the words "when my child grows up I want him to be a gas jockey." I just wonder how much is too much? There are academic playschools now for children as young as three, systems to help you teach your baby (yes....baby) how to read and thousands of offers out there for flash cards and systems to make you child brighter and better. Exactly why is it that a baby needs to be able to read....to order of the menu at a restaurant, or so you are no longer obligated to read them a bedtime story (which the parenting "rules" strictly claim we are suppose to do anyways.) So I am politely bowing out of this competition they call "parenting," with the expectation that my sons may not be the next Wayne Gretzky, and my daughter may have a few C's on her report card when she goes to school. There is one thing though, I am sure that all four of my kids will be above average at....and that is just being a kid!!

Chronicles from my weekend as a "bachelor"

2010-06-13T22:25:00.003-06:00

There is definitely nothing more important in my life than being a mother. But to be perfectly honest....sometimes I just crave a vacation. Just one entire day and night where I can eat a meal without cutting up anyone's meat for them or I can drink a beer at noon without an intervention. Unfortunately, between the endless array of diapers I have to buy and the five pounds of meat my children consume a day, I can't afford a "real" holiday. I do however, get to go up to Calgary by myself and spend the weekend at my brother's house a couple of weekends a year. So this weekend, I loaded up the suburban with my essentials and off I went.

Life at my brother's place, is a little to me, like being in the twilight zone. You see, both my brother and his roommate are quintessential bachelors. Their house, is accessorized with boxes of empty beer bottles and stripper posters, the furniture is permanently dented from people sleeping on it, and the collection of video games they have could rival that at Future Shop. I, quite frankly, find this world wonderful and fascinating. It is interesting to see how those without children live. I mean, I once had a life too that wasn't filled with temper tantrums and dirty diapers, but it seems so long ago that I can hardly remember what it was like (at least that's what I tell myself. It is more likely it was the liquor consumption of my early twenties impeding my memory.) For two days straight, much to the dismay of my liver, I immersed myself 100 percent into the bachelor lifestyle. Well almost 100 percent....I didn't wake up with any strange women next to me. But I did roll over on Saturday morning and see an half eaten order of 7-11 nachos.....and trust me, the shame and regret is about the same for both. And now that my weekend of "kidless" fun and general shenanigans is over, I have discovered that even bachelors (whose biggest decision in a day is what t-shirt to wear) have life lessons to teach.

1. It is okay to eat a supper that consists of only meat. No veggies, salad or starches, just pure protein.
2. Covering your nachos in sauerkraut, chili, and jalapenos, does NOT make them a meal.
3. The best and fastest way to cure a hangover, really is to have a beer when you get up in the morning.
4. Having just "one more drink" will not make you any better at karaoke.
5. Cheetos and coffee can actually be considered a well balanced breakfast.
So after a weekend where my belly literally hurts from laughter (or it could be nachos), and my face is in shock from having makeup on it for more than one consecutive day.....I reflect on the most important lesson from my weekend away....it is possible to miss dirty diapers and temper tantrums.

The half day..

2010-06-10T11:29:00.003-06:00

Do you hear that??? The silence I mean. Now, I don't mean silence in the literal sense (remember I have two toddlers), but I mean silence, comparatively to what is about to occur in my house. Let me set the scene so that you can better understand what I am talking about. In an attempt to make a little extra spending money (and at the risk of my own sanity), I have chosen to take in a few extra kids after school everyday. So on top of my two toddlers and two school age boys, I also have four more boys after school. Yes, you heard me right, I have eight kids here everyday after school. What's that??? I'm sorry.....I couldn't hear you over your collective gasps. Now, normally I only have the boys for an hour or so, so it really isn't that bad.....but then comes the half day. The half day, if you aren't familiar, is exactly that...a half day of school (and I mean ONLY of school.) You still need to get the kids dressed, feed them on time, pack their bags with the much coveted snack, and find away to pick them up only a short time later....all while planning lunch for them and an afternoon of activities to keep them occupied. I am not sure of the purpose of the half day either, but I quite often picture the teachers drinking margaritas and listening to Jimmy buffet, all while laughing at the thought of mothers scrambling for childcare, and ripping out their hair one clump at a time (I know that this isn't really the case, teachers are very hardworking and under appreciated.).

For those of you who are having trouble visualizing what a house full of seven boys and one girl looks like, I invite you to check out a quick glance of the movie Lord of the Flies. Really, it is just like it but with out the dead pig....unless of course we are having ham for lunch. So I sit here, in ignorant bliss, sipping my coffee and prepping for the impending storm. I am temporarily oblivious to the fact my son has no pants on and the sound of my daughter banging away at the gong in my living room (yes, I actually have a gong...the irony of that can't even escape me). And with the food trough ready to go and all of the toilet seats lifted....I realize that everyone can find one moment in a day, no matter how chaotic, where you are entirely at peace..... I just hope for me, it doesn't come in the form of unconsciousness from my "half day" induced stroke!!

Sexless in the City??

2010-06-09T09:59:00.002-06:00

One of the things that I truly treasure in my life is my friendships. and I cant think of a better way to spend an evening out with them watching the long anticipated Sex and the City sequel. Coming from someone who gets excited about a new scent of dish soap, I understand my standards are relatively low, but I am a die hard Sex and the City fan. I have spent many nights, curled up on the couch with a glass of wine, living vicariously through the ladies and their sea of one night stands, expensive purses and outrageous fashion. The movie starts (after the mandatory 20 minutes of promotainment of course), and me, my girlfriends and a room full of anxious women (and the odd unhappy man) settle in for what was sure to be a great ride..........yeah right!! If your idea of a great ride is a Ford Pinto. I found myself somewhat disappointed. The fashions, were just as outrageous, the heels were high and plentiful...but something was missing. The sex people, where was the sex??? Now, listen....I, by no means went to this movie only for this reason (I could have rented a PPV cheaper for what it costs to go now a days). However, considering the movie seriously lacked any depth, plot, or really good humor, it would have been a nice touch. Judge, me if you will, but there is a reason that the Showcase channel gets their highest ratings on a Friday night....Instead, the movie was filled with crying mothers (with full time nannies....cue the violins), marital woes, and screaming children. It soon became apparent that not only could I NOT live vicariously anymore through these women, but I was watching myself on the big screen, just in nicer clothes. I guess ultimately, I may be missing the point. I realize that the movie is more about the friendships these women have maintained over the years.... and a night out with my friends watching anything that isn't animated is a definitely a great night. So as I drove home from the movie, I found myself being thankful for two things....first my friends, each and everyone of them....and second, thank goodness I still have the various Real Housewives series to watch!!

My afternoon treasure hunt...

2010-06-07T20:52:00.006-06:00

I love the summer! The heat, the flowers, the long days and most importantly, you can kick your kids outside to play. The only beef I have with summer though, is the yard work. Well...I actually don't mind doing yard work at all, the problem is, for every hour you spend doing something outside the same hour has passed where something was neglected in the house. Well we have had a lot of yard work to do as of late.... so I was starting to become painfully aware that the bottom two levels of my home were becoming, somewhat unlivable. See, the bottom two levels have become the "kid's" levels of my home, and are often neglected because, well quite honestly, they are not available to the general public. Kind of like the "hole" at Alcatraz. So, with rain in the forecast all week, I decided to suit up (well kind of, I was in old sweatpants and a clean"ish" shirt), and head downstairs.
My first impression of the basement, can only be described as "Toy-o-shima." There was Lego bodies, heads, dolls, cars, and various other gadgets and goodies everywhere. "Not so bad", I thought to myself, and proceeded to pick up all the toys...but as I did, I was quickly realizing that the toys, were more like a protective layer. Like a beautiful flower bed growing on top of a pile of rotting corpses. Here is a list of several, but not all of the things I found once I began to dig a little....

A pack of half eaten, once frozen waffles, now covered in an inch of mold.
A sippy cup, that once held milk, but now held cottage cheese
What seemed like 30 granola bar wrappers
Enough dried up playdough to start my own art exhibit
A couple of rotting pudding containers
Plenty of dehydrated fruit...that was not dehydrated when left there.
Two pieces of green "toast" which I am sure were once brown bread
I do not exaggerate ( I wish I was, so I could be less embarrassed.) It was literally an all inclusive resort for any kind of critter or bug that may accidentally find their way down there. I filled an entire garbage bag full of crap that I had unearthed from under the couches, beneath the beds, beside the stairs, and anywhere else the kids could hide the evidence of their 24 hour a day grazing. When all was said and done, I came up the stairs feeling pretty damn good about what I had accomplished, It was extremely short lived though, because as I rounded the last step, there it was....the remnants of hurricane toddler. You see, for every hour, I had spent in the basement today, my children had spent an hour on my main levels. Then tomorrow, every hour I spend cleaning up that mess, they will be downstairs making another. Bottom line...you will NEVER gain ground on cleaning up after your kids so you might as well just close your doors and stick to the yard work. At least then you get to be outside.

A shout out...

2010-06-06T21:35:00.003-06:00

I know that any of you who have read my information are wondering "How am I able to handle a life with four young children, school, friends and anything else that is thrown in the mix?" Actually, you might not be, but in true "Tara" fashion, I am going to tell you anyways. The secret, besides the occasional glass (or bottle) of red wine, is that I have a wonderful support system. No, I am not talking about my new overpriced bra from La Senza (although after nursing four children, I should really throw out some props to that marvel in engineering.) I am talking about my husband. Now don't get me wrong....there are definitely days (oddly enough around the same time every month) that the man can't even breathe right in my presence, but he does allow me the freedom to be, if only for a few minutes or hours, somebody else besides a diaper changing, toddler chasing machine. I am able to go for runs, have a night out with the girls, go to nursing school, or just sit here and type this somewhat feeble attempt to entertain the masses. It is those moments of being just a "woman" that help to keep me sane(ish). Thanks for that!! So to all of the supporting cast out there.....we may not like the way you folded the towels, or that our child is wearing a blue shirt with green pants, and we certainly don't love that you made Hamburger Helper for dinner...but the effort is definitely appreciated!

Did you ever hear the one about the blonde, the 2x4, and the office mat???

2010-06-05T21:49:00.008-06:00

Ask anyone who knows me well, "What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Tara?" The number one answer, I am sure would be that I have the mouth of a drunken sailor....but a very close second would be that I am, in fact, one of the clumsiest people on earth. My propensity for hurting myself in situations that not even Quentin Tarantino could dream up, is well documented by the ridiculous amount of scars on my body. I have fallen in mud filled holes, cut my finger on a bathroom door, and just recently, smashed my head against a car window saying goodbye to my mother because I was convinced that it was open. The other day though, the MOST ludicrous thing happened to me, that even now I can look back on and appreciate the humor in (at least now that the pain has subsided).
To set the scene, I must first describe my garage. It is a normal two gar garage, but it has an addition built on the backside of it, towards our house. I ran in there in the morning, as I quite often do, to grab something. I was in my bare feet, because really...who has all second to slip on some shoes??? So I walk to the backside of the garage and BAM!! I stubbed my toe as hard as I could on a 6 foot 2x4 laying across the floor in front of the addition. So you are saying to yourself....okay, so she stubbed her toe??...happens to everyone. Here is the ridiculous part... in a reaction to stubbing my toe, I jumped over the 2x4 (screaming a few choice words as I did), and in my bare feet, landed square on one of those plastic office mats that just happened to be flipped upside down. Those mats, when used accordingly, are fabulous for rolling a chair over, but when flipped they are covered in hundreds of very tiny, and extremely sharp plastic spikes....OUCH!!!! I mean, what are the chances, that there just happens to be an upside down office mat laying on the other side of that wood, just waiting to puncture one hundred tiny little holes in my newly throbbing foot?? Well, when your life can only be compared to a 33 year long episode of The Three Stooges, I guess the chances are pretty damn good!!

Bacon....delicious and a term of endearment

2010-06-04T14:57:00.002-06:00

For those of you who have children, I am sure that you are very aware that they can really have a way with words. The lack of filter between their brains and mouths (which I am sure was inherited from me) has quite often been a source of embarrassment. For example...the time in Superstore when my son, as straight faced as a poker player, said to the cashier "You have really big boobies." There was however, one day, that the unfiltered words from my six year old were some of the nicest I have ever heard.
It was one of those days, where pretty much everything had gone wrong. I had begun the daily nighttime ritual of bathing the three inches of dirt off my toddlers and asking my boys eight thousand times to clean up, and brush their teeth. After, what felt like a lifetime, and one hundred laps around the kitchen, they were finally ready for bed. My six year old son, much to his dismay, is always the first to bed. He always needs to be tucked in, and hugged and kissed goodnight. So I tucked him into his mismatched sheets and leaned in to give him a kiss and tell him I love him. He looked at me and with the sweetest voice said "Mom....I love you more than bacon." (seriously, would that not make the best Hallmark card EVER.) Just like that, the ten things I had to pull out of the fish tank that day, the giant chocolate milk stain in my livingroom, and the other "horrors" of the day, just disappeared. My son loved me more than the salty, Sunday brunch favorite, candy of the meats....and isn't that why, we as mothers, do what we do?

Kettle Bell Class

2010-06-03T11:54:00.002-06:00

A year ago in January, I set out, for what seems to be the millionth time, to lose weight, but more importantly, get into shape. I was successful, this time in my venture, losing a little over seventy pounds and going from a size 18 to a size 8. My regular exercise routine, however, was starting to become mundane and repetitive so I figured a needed a shake up. Well I found one, and it is called Kettle Bells. For those who are unfamiliar with this term, a kettle bell is a small weight round ranging in size from 12 - 30 lbs, that has a handle attached. My first class was on Tuesday and each class is a half hour. So I walked into class with grandeur thoughts of transforming my keg into a six pack, and I was feeling pretty strong, because like I said, I have somewhat been exercising for the last year. Ten minutes in it hit me like, well a 20 lb weight, that not only am I not strong, I now believe I am also delusional. This class people, which was surely designed by the Devil himself, kicked my butt. Two days after, I hurt literally in every muscle. Seriously, it hurt to cut up an orange for my kids yesterday. Regardless of the pain though, I marched (actually dragged my feet, because I can no longer bend at the knees) right back in there this morning to take another shot at it. We lunged, lifted, squatted, and did a variety of moves (one which could have only been named WTF), and then when we thought the worst is over the instructor says....."okay, now for fun lets lay on the floor and do 30 reps each of crunches and reverse crunches all while we precariously balance this 22 lb weight above our heads." The first thing that comes to my mind is this man seriously needs to reevaluate his definition of fun....but I do it. 10 reps in I am hoping that this weight I am holding above my head will just slip out of my hands, knock me unconscious, and put me out of my misery. 20 reps in, me and all of the other women are beginning to sound like we are collective giving birth to baby elephants. 30 reps in, I am sweating out every toxin that I have ever put in my body, even that one Twinkie I consumed back in grade six. But we all did it......and I am sure that once the white hot searing pain in my legs, butt and arms subsides, Ill be glad I did. I know what you are all thinking....that this is some sort of inspirational story about pushing your limits and succeeding when you aren't sure you can.....but quite honestly the point of this little rant is simpler than that. If you are going to do Kettle Bells, you should probably stock up now on the strongest Advil you can buy and a five gallon pail of A5-35.

Hey...there's a golf ball in my jello!!

2010-06-02T21:00:00.001-06:00

No, it is not that the title of the next Robert Munsch book, haha, but I am sure it peaked your interest. Have you ever heard the saying "No good deed goes unpunished." Well as a mother I am sure it could be my life mantra. I thought to myself today "wouldn't the kid's love it if I made them some Jello for after dinner tonight?" Well that is exactly what I decided to do. Get everything in the bowl and ready to refridgerate, and all of a sudden the 5 cups of coffee I had consumed earlier are looking for a way out. To those who have toddlers, even leaving them unsupervised for a minute to run to the bathroom is taking a risk, but my bladder does not believe in patience (like I said, I have four kids). I returned to the kitchen and am pleasantly surprised that the kids are just playing away and nothing appears to be wrecked or out of order. Then, as I go to grab the giant bowl of Jello, I spot it.......a golf ball, that has been God knows where, sitting at the bottom of the bowl under a sea of red. So like any good mother would do (just a warning to the germaphobes, you may want to skip this part), I remove the ball and stick the Jello in the fridge. I then proceed to wash the golf ball off, because its okay to have golf ball in my jello, but I sure don't want Jello on my golf ball.